Our latest parenting strategy involves raising our children’s level of anxiety. But just a little.
Ever since the girls were infants, we’ve focused on establishing a culture of mutual respect and open communication with them. We’ve made a conscious choice to steer away from spanking, yelling, and shaming in our parenting. We even avoid punishments generally, preferring training in _consequences_. We certainly don’t let the children boss us around (for I am the Mama!), but our methods in achieving compliance, etiquette, and appropriate behavior are more on the side of invitations and incentives than laying down the law.
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(I know not everyone makes these same choices about parenting, but this is what we do, and maybe we’ll talk about why some other time.)
However, I’ve been feeling lately that things are occasionally a little bit _too_ comfortable for our girls. Example: spilling milk. This happens to everyone, right? We even have a proverb in our culture, “There’s no need to cry over spilled milk.” And this is true: you shouldn’t feel as if you have to cry if milk is spilled.
But it sure is nice of you to say, “Oh, goodness! I’m so sorry I spilled that milk. Here, let me get a rag and help you clean it up.” We are noticing that we need to train the girls to respond in this way, instead of:
# laughing
# studying patterns in the streams of milk flowing off the table (as interesting as they are!)
# staring silently while we clean it up
Lately, I’ve been telling them, “Everyone spills milk sometimes — but I want you to be a _little bit worried_ about spilling your milk and to learn to be extra-helpful when it’s time to clean up a spill like this.”
Our wise friend and therapist the Rev. Dr. Christopher Miller has been saying this kind of thing to me for years, namely that a certain amount of shame and anxiety is good. It helps you to take a shower, put on deodorant in the morning, and get your work done by the deadline. A little bit of shame helps us function in community, and we definitely want that for our girls.
We’re finding lots of areas where a _little bit of worrying_ can be useful:
* remembering to use the bathroom (“I want you to be a _little bit worried_ about peeing in your underpants”)
* thinking ahead about cleaning up (“I want you to be a _little bit worried_ about how, when the time comes, you’ll clean up all the toys you want to dump out on the floor”)
* taking good care of possessions (“I want you to be a _little bit worried_ about ink soaking through your drawing onto the table”)
* being conscious of safety (“I want you to be a _little bit worried_ about falling on your head when you’re swinging from the trapeze by your knees”)
For my sake, I’m appreciating thinking about being just a _little_ bit worried about my concerns. In my own life, I can sometimes go overboard with my expectations of how clean our house should be, how much work I should be getting done, or what our meals should taste like. So last night, as I found myself worrying about the work I need to do for our homeschooling co-op, I thought, “Maybe I should just be a _little_ bit worried about this, but not so much that it keeps me awake.” And that’s just what I did!
And now that I’m done being a _little bit worried_ about finding time to write this post, I think I’ll go make myself a cup of tea.
This is so, so, so the opposite of what the Hickerson household is currently working through. :)
What does that mean, Mike Hickerson? I’m very interested!
This is soooo helpful. I’m gonna re-read it a few times, and then show it to Jeff, and then think about how to incorporate it in our house.
This is really great. I’m already thinking ahead to how we’ll respond to situations like this as Johanna gets older. One thought I had is that “worry” may not always have to enter in to play where being mindful will achieve the same outcome. “‘Be mindful’ about how, when the time comes, you’ll clean up all the toys you want to dump out on the floor.†Maybe it’s just a different way of saying the same thing?
I like that language, Ann-Marie. “Be mindful” is a nicer way of saying it. But I do think it’s essentially a different way of saying the same thing. And I think my kids understand the word “worry” in a way that they might not understand “be mindful.” But you should try it out when Johanna gets verbal! :)
Tara: so glad this is helpful! I look forward to hearing how your experimenting goes!
I love this. Being ‘a little bit worried’ a is a great social virtue, and I think you’ve articulated the tension really well. Imagine a world where everyone was just a little more worried about the welfare of other people… it’s great to see how you are teaching your kids that kind of awareness. :-)
Ann,
I always love reading your posts. I think I wanted to say that up front and not so as to prepare you for some nasty post, but just to thank you. It strikes me, given who you and Jon are, how considerate and loving you both are, that your daughters will probably turn out the same. They seem pretty loving and caring already from the things that Jon posts about what they say. Maybe the thing to remember is that whatever process you choose will probably be the right one for you and them. The process will lead you to the right things to say and do–and I’d have to say you’re already doing them. And if you make the mistake of deeply shaming them then you can engage in the process of forgiveness.
–From a parent who just dropped his last child off at DePaul and did a lot of bad things but he seemed to turn out okay :)
Christy, thanks for bringing this topic into the world of social action — an excellent point!
Ken, thanks for your incredibly kind words. They mean a lot coming from you. Stop by to visit us next time you’re in the DePaul area! :)
Next time at DePaul I will stop by. Check. Also, love the picture of . . . Lucy? Rosie? at the top. You take great pictures, both of you!
Thanks, Ken! The photo in this post is of Rosie.