Back in October, when I went on my “first-ever overnight retreat”:/news/2007/separation-anxiety/ “since Lucy was born”:/news/2007/lucy-misses-mama/ , I started thinking really hard about one pressing question: what resources will we need to thrive once this new baby is born?
p{color:gray}. Photo: How will it be to have a little sister, Lucy?
It is easy for me to start imagining the worst sometimes: no sleep + colicky baby + cranky toddler + anxious mom = grumpy family! But this fall the thought came to me: How would it be if things go really smoothly when we bring the baby home? Wouldn’t that be awesome? Who knows? Maybe this baby will emerge peaceful and easy-to-soothe. Maybe Lucy will love her little sister to bits. Maybe we’ll all be able to handle the changes gracefully and cover everything with love. It could happen!
So, I’ve been trying to train my mind to think about what we’ll need to thrive instead of worrying about how badly things might go. Most likely we will be tired for a while, Lucy will have some challenges adjusting to her role as big sister, and our family will experience some deviations from our normal routines. But I bet there are things we could have in place to help us flourish even in the midst of challenging new situations — and I want to know what those are!
This question of resources is probably a question I’ll be asking all of my life, in many different areas. I remember reading “_Birthing From Within_”:/news/2006/birthing-from-within-by-pam-england-rob-horowitz/ and considering Pam England’s question that each mother should ask herself: “What is it I need to know to give birth?” The first thing that popped into my mind was, “Will I have all the resources I need to give birth and become a mother?”
Looking over the past 20 months, I can definitely say “yes!” to all of these things. I’m so grateful for the resources God has provided for me: an amazing husband and fellow-parent in Jon, wonderfully supportive family and friends, a darling daughter, wisdom from books and real live humans (not to mention you commenters here at BNN!), an excellent pediatrician I trust, fantastic midwives, a cozy home…more things than I can even list!
So, as we get ready for the Belly-Baby to arrive in approximately 86 days, here is my list of questions I’m working through and ideas I have for resources and next steps. Lots of progress, so far (noted in parentheses)!
*Equipment*
What furniture or equipment will we need to buy or borrow?
* two dressers — side by side, to make space in our bedroom for co-sleeper (Thanks, Mom, for offering to buy these for us!)
* diaper changing station outside of Lucy’s room (“patemm pad”:http://patemm.com/product.html & basket?)
* “bouncy seat”:/news/2006/sleep-smile/ (borrow from Jane)
* “exersaucer”:/news/2007/saucer-flashback/ (borrow from Jane)
* a place for baby’s clothes (spare dresser in closet)
*InterVarsity work*
How will I get my InterVarsity work done now that I can’t count on naptimes?
* Look for childcare 1-2 mornings per week
* ask “Jeanne”:http://houseinprogress.net/ for ideas
* hire a “North Park”:http://www.northpark.edu/ student
*Napping*
How will Mama get a nap, especially in the early months?
* Lucy and Baby nap at the same time (wouldn’t this be nice?)
* Papa watches babies
* Babysitter watches babies
* Lucy visits friends
* Lucy watches a video — what are some good ones that won’t drive me nuts?
*Showering*
How will Mama get time for a shower?
* Baby in bouncy seat; Lucy reads a book in the bathroom?
* Baby in bouncy seat; Lucy in shower with me?
* Baby in bouncy seat; Papa or sitter with Lucy
*Meals & Cooking*
How will we eat?
* Meals delivered from church & friends in early days — ask Dora to organize?
* Make some things in advance and freeze research recipes
* Clean out freezer and fridge (upstairs and downstairs)
* Stock up on groceries in March
*Labor & Birth*
Who will watch Lucy while Mama is in labor?
* Grandma & Grandpa Boyd (thanks for offering!)
Who might be able to come be with Lucy at very short notice if we have to rush to the hospital?
* Jay?
* Jack & Mary?
* Jeanne & Aaron?
* Andy & Jane?
How can I refresh my memory about the whole labor process?
* read books
* talk through Lucy’s birth with midwives
* have an “awesome doula again”:/news/2007/the-labor-story/ (hooray for “Dora”:http://dorawinchester.com!)
*Lucy Time*
How can I give Lucy all the love and attention she needs once the baby arrives?
* spend one of Baby’s naptimes playing with Lucy each day
* ask Lucy to help care for Baby (get diapers, etc)
* role-play some labor situations and sounds with Lucy so she doesn’t get scared when I go into labor
* put Baby “in the swing”:/news/2007/we-used-to-be-easily-impressed/ while I play with Lucy
*Nursing*
How can I keep Lucy occupied and content while I’m nursing a newborn?
* read books to her
* watch a video
* make a basket of special toys that Lucy only plays with during nursing time
* Easter eggs filled with breakfast treats, hidden for use during morning nursing
I’m sure there are more things I should be thinking about, but here is a start. We’ll see what I can learn in the next few months — and then we’ll all do our best while learning on the job!
Wow Ann, I’m impressed with how well you’ve thought this all through. I don’t think I was nearly so well prepared prior to Ella’s birth (although we did manage okay). Here’s some things I’ll throw out for you:
Napping:
– when Ella was really little and didn’t sleep well, I would nap holding her if it was during Benjamin’s naptime. Or I would just say that Benjamin’s naptime was a “break” for me, meaning I would not clean or do anything that was not restful (other than caring for Ella, of course!). So I would read a book, watch a movie, sleep if I could, etc. just to try to recharge my batteries when napping wasn’t an option.
– At this stage too, James would get up with the kids in the morning and watch them until he had to leave for work, just to give me a little extra sleep since I’d already been up several times during the night with Ella.
Showering:
– I would take Benjamin in the shower with me and put Ella in her bouncy or I would wait until Ella was sleeping and then shower with Benjamin in the bathroom with me. Now (Benjamin is 2 1/2), I can actually put Benjamin on the couch with a video on while I’m showering, so perhaps Lucy will be old enough for something like that? To help facilitate this, I have locks on all our doors that he can’t work (they are 6 feet off the ground), just to make sure he doesn’t get outside.
Meals & Cooking:
– I did a bunch of freezer cooking before Ella was born. I have a book with tons of recipes if you need some. I also did a lot of crock-pot meals that I could make the night before while James was home. I don’t know how you do grocery shopping now, but I started going either on the weekend or in the evening so I could take either just Benjamin or no children with me, rather than both.
Nursing:
– I did a lot of talking with Benjamin while nursing. At that point (he was only 16 months, so perhaps it would not interest Lucy), I would do things like, “show me where your head is. Where are your toes? What sound does a duck make? etc.” to amuse him.
-We also started a game I call the “run and touch the” game. This is a good one for expelling excess energy. He would come to me I would say something like “run and touch your bed” he then runs to his room, touches his bed, runs back and gives me five. I then tell him to go run and touch something else. Works well as long as they don’t crash into anything while running!
One thing you should think about before baby #2 is any additional childproofing you need to do. I found with Ella that there were times when I had to be alone with her for whatever reason – usually to try and get her to go to sleep, sometimes for nursing as well, just because Benjamin was too much of a distraction to her. Anyway – during these times, he was pretty much unsupervised (other than my listening to what he was doing), so it was very important to have things childproofed accordingly. Something that might be fine when you are there in the room with them, may need childproofing if they are left on their own.
Nicole, those are super-helpful thoughts! I am going to add a few childproofing projects to my list — that was one I forgot. Just like you said, we have a few unlocked cabinets that are fine as long as I’m around while Lucy is there, so we need to take care of that.
Yes, let us know the freezer cooking book you like. I know other people enjoy freezer cooking too, and I’d love to read a book that has your recommendation. I have some good recipes in my repertoire that work well from the freezer, but it is always fun to try new ones. :)
The book I use is called “Don’t Panic, Dinner’s in the Freezer”. It’s very helpful as it has a bunch of recipes and also instructions on how best to freeze them. In addition to regular meals, it also has some breakfast items, dessert items, breads and muffins.
I also tend to take a recipe that freezes well (whether it’s in the book or not) and make a double or triple of it and eat one for dinner and freeze the rest. I especially like things that are for a 9 x 13 pan – then I double it, make one 8 x 8 for dinner and freeze three 8 x 8 sizes for later since we can’t eat a 9 x 13 by ourselves! By doing it this way, I can incorporate freezer cooking into my normal cooking routine instead of trying to plan out a day to spend cooking and freezing (although that works well too, especially if you want to get a bunch frozen all at once).
There is also a yahoo group called Frozen Assets and I got a ton of recipes there when I was planning for surgery. Our church ladies bringing meals to us was sooo helpful! We had a sign up sheet at my baby shower and it worked great.
Nursing: Have Lucy cuddle with you two while nursing. Read a book to her, or watch a movie together. Nursing time becomes a special time and helps reduce jealousy.
Napping: I occasionally took short naps on the sofa while nursing Mo. Kaia would play in the room, watch a movie, or nap with us. I am a light enough sleeper during the day that I woke up if she was up to anything.
Sleeping at Night: I totally recommend just camping out in your favorite recliner or on the sofa the first few nights. I did this with Mo for a couple of reasons: I didn’t want everyone else in the house to be awake while he was getting his feeding schedule down. I realized that I have less expectation of sleep if I’m there. Sounds strange, but the waking up every few hours wasn’t so bad, and I wasn’t so cranky because it was the whole reason I was sleeping there. Plus if he was extra fussy I could turn on PBS Create and watch a calming gardening show (Gotta Love Garden Home with P. Allen Smith)
I love how prepared you are. Realize now that this baby will be completely different from Lucy, and while your mom skills will be sooo handy in everything that comes up, you shouldn’t try to anticipate or expect anything from baby. Just let baby be baby and you will be able to give baby the attention and wonder that you gave Lucy. I hope that makes sense. I was so nervous that Mo was going to be like Kaia. I tried really hard to counteract the mistakes we made with her, and yet I quickly realized I didn’t need to. Mo was easy-going, laid back, not a screamer, and not a non-stop nurser. He didn’t mind being put in a crib or cradle for nap time and so I didn’t have to work so hard and was able to do what felt right with him.
Ok enough of a novel, your whole family will be thriving because you start with God and Love, and then look to what else is needed.
Ann – I thought of one more thing while putting the kids down for their naps today – I don’t know how long your naptime routine is with Lucy, but if it’s very long, you might want to consider shortening it or just mixing it up a bit to get Lucy used to being flexible with different nap routines. With a newborn in the house, it is not always possible to do the full-blown nap routine, so if Lucy’s used to being flexible with a shorter routine, perhaps it won’t disrupt her when the baby is born. I would usually just bring Ella in Benjamin’s room and do his routine (a couple books, cuddle and prayer) like normal, but if she was hungry or screaming, the routine got way abbreviated to basically just sticking him in bed with a kiss and leaving. Fortunately, he’s very flexible so this wasn’t a problem for us!
Ann,
I was T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D of the first 3-4 months when I was pregnant. Terrified. For me, it’s better to imagine the worst case scenario and be pleasantly surprised. I like the idea of preparing though. And just knowing that things are going to be different that you’re planning/expecting and being flexible enough to go with the flow.
Co-sleeping has been a lifesaver for me (that, and Caroline being a champion sleeper). There have only been a few mornings that I’ve woken up very tired. I nap during Ben’s naps. We also made a double recipe when we were cooking in the last month and froze 1/2 of the dinner to have in the freezer — we’re still eating some of it!!
We really like the Baby Genius videos. Keeps Ben very entertained!
One thing that was helpful for us was having mom/abi time. Another mom came to watch the newborn for a hour while I played with Abi at the McDonald playland. This seemed to be better for her than shipping her off while I stayed with the baby, even if the outing was fun for her. Whenever we did that, her behavior got worse and we all felt bad.
We’ve had some enjoyable video time with the Baby Einstein videos, Signing Times, and HBO’s Dance Show, Art Show, Music Show. No conflict, no fast images, and moderately educational. For awhile, I used them to keep the older child occupied, while I did the nap routine for the baby.
And, yes, getting them to nap simultaneously was essential. Early on I had an agreement with Darel, that on the days it didn’t work out, I had permission to take a nap the second he got home from work, even if that was 630pm!
And lowering expectations for everything helped to keep my sanity. Meals, laundry, dishes, tidy house, happy/fed/clothed/hugged/read-to children could not happen all at the same time. I felt I was doing really well if just 2 of those happened at once.
Hey Ann!
You need a diaper changing table? Just so happens that we got one that we’re looking to give away…seeing that we’re moving up to Madison and all and we want to lighten our load don’t know when we’ll be able to get it to you, but I’m sure we can arrange something).
Looks like you’re gonna do fine!
LaShawn, that is very interesting! Email me and we’ll talk. I was thinking of just going with a changing pad and basket since I don’t know if we have room for another changing table, but if yours is small, let’s see if it can work!
Everyone’s comments are so helpful! I’m totally taking notes. :)
Ann, I feel like I’m still in the newborn fog here and I am still figuring it all out! But one small thing I do is I try to make sure that Mirai has whatever she’ll need for food or toys BEFORE I sit down with the baby. Otherwise there is a lot of whining and resentment. We also have talks about how we’re all learning to wait for each other. Mirai has to wait for Kaden to finish nursing before I’m available. But then sometimes Kaden is crying in his swing or something (since he wants to be held all the time), and I say aloud, “Kaden, I hear you and I’ll be right there, but I have to take care of Mirai right now.” I guess I’m saying it for Mirai’s benefit and mine – that we acknowledge that everyone has to wait sometimes!
Cosleeping is the main way that I get any sleep – until the baby starts making lots of noises at 3 or 4 AM!
I completely agree with that Emery! I don’t know how old Mirai is, but it helps so much for our little one’s to know that all of us in the family have to set aside our wants/needs sometimes for another family member.
Ann,
As we are three weeks away from the big day (assuming she comes that day) I am getting meals ready. Have you created a monthly menu or how do the boyds plan meals in their gourmet house? I am so tired of the same ol’ foods. I think you need a whole food area on your sit where people can swap recipes!!
-katrina
Katrina, I can’t believe you are just three weeks from your due date! We make weekly menus (usually), but tend to have some frozen meals for backup. I’m not sure how it will work once the new baby comes, but I’m looking for ideas too! Maybe I’ll post a favorite recipe in the next day or so to get things started.
How often do you go shopping. I think this is my down fall. I HATE shopping. Mostly because the community is so small everyone knows me and well I feel weird having everyone know what I buy. Not like it is odd stuff. But I just like some things to be my business. Writing that down makes me realize just how stupid it is that it bugs me!
One of our favorite things is Taco Soup. It is in the freezer book Nicole wrote about, but we do it a bit different. We use it as a chile too so we eat it on potatos, as soup or over a salad.
Brown up 1 lbs of ground meat (turkey, beef)
In pot (or crockpot) put the following
1 pack taco seasoning
1 pack ranch salad dressing dry mix
2 cans of diced tomatos (we use the mexican blend with chiles)
2 cans of corn with juice
1 can pinto beans
1 can kedney beans
1 can black bean
Add meat (we put in onions, but you don’t need to)
Bring to boil and simmer for 1/2 hour or if in crock pot cook on low for 4 – 7 hours.
If serving as soup we serve with avacado (sp?), corn chips, shredded cheese and sour cream
After the meal take your left overs (after they cool down a bit) put in zip lock bag and freeze for another day.