This waiting part is way harder than I had expected. Last night, I had a good cry on Jon — not an unusual occurence, and definitely therapeutic. I think last night’s cry was the culmination of a grand variety of emotions:
* suspense. I am always on edge, asking what is happening in my body, and examining each twinge with the question “Is this it?” in my mind.
* anxiety. Besides wondering periodicially if Baby Girl is doing okay in there (which she is, taking from her constant and delightfully frolicking movements), I keep worrying that I’m not “working hard enough” to get the baby out. Should I be going for more walks? Drinking more raspberry leaf tea? Do I have unresolved feelings about motherhood that I need to talk about? When I’m not worrying, I think I’m probably doing everything just fine and Baby is going to come out in her own good time. But when I am worrying, then I worry about these things.
* fears about being prepared. I told Jon last night that I feel like I’ve been cramming for test that keeps getting postponed, and now I feel like I won’t remember all I’ve been studying! I don’t really think I’m going to be unprepared, but I am just ready to plunge in and take the test — all three parts: labor, delivery, and infant care.
Jon and I had a good talk last night, after my cry. We both feel like we have been frantically trying to wrap up various projects during this “extra time” we’ve been given, but we haven’t been taking a lot of time to rest and connect with God and ourselves.
This morning, noticing my grumpy countenance, Jon asked me, “What advice would you give to someone else in your position?” I thought I would say, a) it’s okay to be grumpy, b) ask God what he has for you in this situation. I think God is maybe giving me some time to just settle down before Baby arrives! I plan to take some time to rest and read today, and I might bake a chocolate cake. We’ll see what else God says!