I have always considered myself to be a good conversation partner. I try to listen well, ask good questions, and look a person in the eye when I’m talking with them. But lately, it seems as if that part of my brain is malfunctioning.
There have been several times in the recent months that I’ve found myself floundering in a conversation. Where I used to inquire interestedly in a person’s life and ask thoughtful, reflective questions, I now revert to banter about the weather and Lucy’s latest tricks. In the past, I was able to focus all of my attention on a conversation. But now, my thoughts appear to consist mainly of baby-related details. Most of my attention is focused on baby Lucy, as I think, “What will she do next?” and “How is she faring right now?” and “Oh my gosh, I actually have a baby!”
p{color:gray}. Photo: Here I am managing to converse with two people at once while holding Lucy, proving that it must be possible.
I’m taking some steps to remedy this situation, since it doesn’t seem like Lucy will be requiring much less attention in the near future. Soon enough, I’ll be watching to make sure she doesn’t crawl into an unsavory corner, grab something pointy, or climb into the oven. So, I’ve been trying to slip back into my old question-asking ways, despite the distractions.
But it’s not easy! Can it really be done? Is it possible to be present with one’s baby and pay attention to someone else? Will my social skills bounce back? Might I once again be able to ask new acquaintances provocative questions? We’ll just have to see if my mental capacity can handle these newfound demands.
It will, don’t worry. Having a blog like this helps when you can do all your baby raving here. Going out sans Lucy also helps too…every once in a while, let Daddy bond with his daughter for a couple of hours and take yourself out. Go to a bookstore, find a mall, hang out with some girlfriends. It will be bliss for your brain and your sanity!
Honestly Ann, I am pretty sure I am a complete idiot now… and I swear I wasn’t so bad before. Sounds like you started off more adept than me though… so you’ve got nothing to worry about – you’ll be an excellent chatter again in no time… and you are probably much more conscious of it than any of your conversation partners. : )
I complain about this to my mother sometimes (try having a one year old plus being pregnant – it’s like mommy brain doubled) and she just laughs at me and says “See, now you understand why I can’t keep things straight – try having four!” (there are 4 kids in my family).
Dear Ann,
Your post made me think because I think when you’re “in ministry” and pastoral care or evangelism is part of the job description and also just part of your nature if you’re a people person,you feel the loss or frustration more when you have a child and have to be present to her too. I’m just listing randomly a few things that help me, but I certainly still have a hard time with it:
1) planning- if I know I have to talk with someone, either in person or on the phone and it’s more than a quick chat, I try to plan it for times when Miriam is either napping or in bed. Karl has also worked it so that he works from home on Thursday and basically takes Miriam on Sundays when I’m doing a lot at church. So most of my “intense talks” take place at these times.
2) If I’m with someone who isn’t around kids a lot, I try to apologize or warn them in advance that my attention will be diverted at times, so please don’t take it personally. I think if they expect it, it’s a little easier.
3) Location- Now that Miriam is a full-blown toddler, I try to take my conversations to places that are Miriam-friendly. The beach, church nursery, or playground are places where I know she’ll be more entertained, so I’ll be more free to talk.
4) Finally, I think it’s important to note that while our kids make conversations more difficult, they also can be our partners in ministry that open up conversations you might never have otherwise. Kids disarm people who can be hard around the exterior and immediately lead to conversation. Of course, there’s a difference between “using” your child in a ministry situation and just being open to the opportunities that they give you. I also find that when I’m talking with someone and there are uncomfortable silences, Miriam can make those silences a little more comfortable. But I always have to make sure I don’t let myself or someone else divert from the topic at hand to talking about how cute Miriam is or something else. I try to really focus and go back purposely so people know I have been listening, even if I’ve just been telling Miriam not to climb a chair for the fiftieth time!
A whole hearted amen to what Valerie said. I also think that as our children get older… toddler and up that we can tell them that mommy needs 10 minutes…or whatever the time to talk to so and so. We can teach our children to say excuse me. We can also let them know that when we are done with this conversation we will do something that they would like to do. This is where the planning is very helpful. I think that it is important for our children to know that we are always there for them but it is also healthy for them to see us involved in other poeples lives, hobbies etc…
This is a hard time though and I know for me mommy brain seems to be more prevalent when I have a baby. It seems that when our little ones are “communicating ” a little more we can draw them into partnership with us.
Blessings on the journey.
We were talking about this at a LLL meeting and the leader has a relative who is both a doctor/researcher and a new mother. This woman did some research and found that after moms are done nursing and being pregnant, then their brains actually work MORE efficiently. The reason is that the brain had to work harder and find other pathways while being ‘under the influence’ of all those hormones. So when things get back to normal, it’s like the brain is better developed! Who woulda thought?
I like your LLL leader’s study better than the one that I heard which found a correlation between a decreased IQ and couples with children vs. them without kids!
Ann and Jon:
I recall the experience when Amanda was born. It felt so weird trying to talk to people without mentioning something about Amanda’s bodily fluids or lack thereof. Amanda seem to have a problem keeping food down for the longest time and when we were out with her we were amazed to see people walking around without diapers over their shoulders.
Love, UT