I’ve been feeling much better these days, after last week’s emotional meltdown. Yesterday, I went to see Christopher the Counselor, and he helped me to have some perspective on life, as usual. He is really good at that.
Christopher repeated a lot of what you all say to me:
* having mood swings is a routine part of mommy-hood
* babies this young are very demanding
* it gets better and better as they develop more of an interactive relationship with you, and
* it is perfectly normal to not love every minute of these days
He has a nine-month-old grandson, so he has been present for these kinds of issues with his own daughter, as well as himself. I’m feeling a lot more comfortable these days with my sometimes-negative feelings about life with a baby, and that actually gives me the freedom to really enjoy all the things I like about Lucy-land — which are abundant!
Christopher reminded me, very helpfully, that I am going to be a mother in my own unique way, even if it contradicts what “experts” say — and sometimes that conflict makes me feel anxious. This is a consistent pattern in my life: I want to do things my own way, but then I feel upset if I’m not like everybody else. A conundrum, to be sure. My Enneagram profile (a number four) describes me in this way, too. Part of my learning to be comfy in my own skin is to accept my need to be an individual and the fact that sometimes it will mean going against the grain.
It is great to be feeling like myself again. I’m sure I will have more moments of anxiety in the future, but I’m starting to see that God uses these to help me to grow and become more authentically myself. It really helps to have a terrific husband, helpful friends and family, and a skilled counselor in my life. And a super-adorable baby to shake things up around here!