Well, I’ve been having a pretty difficult couple of days. Lucy is actually doing great, eating well, sleeping a lot. But I suddenly got a rush of postpartum hormones or something, because I’m crying just about as often as Lucy is eating.
I always expected that I would have some emotional difficultles sometime in the first few postpartum weeks, especially since I’ve battled anxiety — and won! — in the past. So I’m actually surprised it has taken seven weeks to get to me.
A couple of days ago, I felt overwhelmed by all of the unpredictability that comes with caring for a newborn. I feel bad complaining (which, ironically, of course adds to my anxiety!) because Lucy is hardly a difficult baby. But she *is* a newborn, and I think all newborns come with the God-given ability to upset all patterns of normal life. I was expecting this, but I wasn’t able to anticipate how much of a challenge this would be. I had high hopes for having a “flexible routine” — which we sort of do — but basically that still means living with a lot of unpredictability.
For me, anxiety usually is a signal that I am stuffing some emotions somehow. The past couple days, I’ve realized I’ve been stuffing a lot — mostly feelings of frustration with Lucy for not going to sleep when I’d like her to, an (admittedly unrealistic) desire for her to be able to go to sleep by herself, fears about dealing with her “crying it out” when we get to that stage, and generally wanting to be “the kind of mom who…” (fill in the blank) but being afraid I’m not.
Jon has been really great, talking with me at all hours and supporting me in all sorts of ways. I am so thankful for him. We had a good talk today that helped me to vent some of my feelings and remember that he still loves me even with all of my garbage. (He never seems to forget this; I seem to from time to time.)
One time I told an “InterVarsity”:http://www.intervarsity.org/ colleague about some struggles I was having, and she said the best thing to me: “You don’t scare me.” I often worry about whether people will be scared or horrified if they see my darker, sadder side, so hearing, “You don’t scare me,” was really healing. Jon now says this to me whenever he thinks I need it. :) For instance, it makes me a bit nervous to post about this struggle, but I feel like I owe it to this terrific community to be honest about the tough days as well as the good ones.
So, I’m working things out. I have an appointment with my counselor in about a week, I have lots of friends to talk to, a great husband, and I’m just going to take it easy.
In closing, here are some top things that I help me when I’m anxious:
* listening to books on CD (especially at night, if I’m having trouble falling asleep)
* setting up the futon in the living room like a bed and lounging around on it
* eating a milkshake when I don’t have much appetite
(by the way, I’m taking a break from Weight Watchers since my deal these days is not eating too much, but having *any* appetite)
* calling friends for help, even when I feel shy about it
* going to talk with my counselor, who always reminds me I’m sane
* brainstorming with Jon about ways to improve things around here
That’s that! I’ll keep you posted, and you could pray for me.
Ann, I totally understand. I had such bad depression that I had to go on Zoloft (sp). This made me even more upset, as I didn’t want risk Maddy’s health. But it was that or the hospital. Now that I am “going off” of the antidepressants Maddy is becoming more difficult which makes me wonder if she was on the drugs to…but at the same time we are going through great change and she has been a long for quite a ride.
Keep Jon informed and do what you must to be healthy.
-katrina
Dear Ann,
It sounds like you are doing some great things to help with the hormones. An older woman friend up here told me that she went through her postpardum stuff right after her six week check. She was not sure why.
About two weeks after Naomi was born I honestly thought I would need to be committed. I spent one evening just crying telling Andy I was afraid to go to sleep. I practiced deep breathing….I am naturally a crier…..so panic attacks were a bit foregin and scarey. I did not even know how to pray.
God was and is so faithful. After the night of tears, I woke up the next morning to a woman from our housegroup knocking on our door. She was heading to a Dr. appoint and brought diapers and some bagels for the boys. I was honest when she asked how I was. She promised to come by after her appointment. About mid morning I was crawling out of my skin. I just wanted a shot to make all of this stuff go away. I called a friend to pray. She came by the next day bringing chocolate….and just chatted with me ….reassuring me that I was going to get through this….and that the Body was going to help me. An 80 year old friend came in the afternoon 4x and did my dishes. Two other friends came with a meal….cleaned my kitchen, scrubbed floors, and folded laundry. It was so hrad to make that phone call l for prayer. I even took a risk and called my parents afraid that my mom would just tell me to buck up and get back to my routine….but I was deparate!And God really is faithful….She not only prayed for me….got others to pray as well…but she came and spent a day with me. She also shared how she went through a similar experience right after she had my sister. Her Dr. told her that she had cabin fever.
My sister told me to take walks….so I would bundle up Naomi and walk around the block a few times. One day I think I walked for 15 minutes….always checking back to see if the boys were okay.
Andy was in a new job and I was not sure how much I could check in with him. He was also home late in the evenings. One of the things one of my friends prayed was that Andy would be able to show me availability. I was honest with him and he said that it would be okay if I called a few times a day to touch base if needed. He also works with mostly with women and several of them were asking on a regular bais how things were. They too understood the hormonal rollercoaster I was experiencing.
I guess I share all of this to say this is all normal. And thank you for sharing. I felt that as soon as I started to tell people what I was feeling I was amazed that I was not condemned as expected but that every woman I talked to said …..oh I can relate and said they were praying. I have not felt shamed and when they now ask I dont feel like they are concerned I am going over the edge but truly care. This hormonal adjustment is normal and just like all babies are different, and each pregnancy is different, so is post pardum.
I have a tendancy to not share those hard things….I like you dont want to feel like a failure but I am so glad I did . I pray that I tuck all of these things away in my heart so that when Naomi goes through this some day I will be sentive and supportive and uphold her in prayer.
You are in my prayers dear sister. Our Lord will carry you through and I am sure he will provide physical arms and legs to help as well.
Oh and I was very thankful for the winter olympics…..it gave me something to look forward to each day.
blessings,
Nicole
Ann,
Please use the checklist we discussed in class, if you haven’t already (I can send you another copy if you haven’t got yours anymore)… it can help you stay objective about obstacles and progress over the next couple of weeks. Just a reminder, you are a fabulous mommy… thinking about and working on these things makes you head and shoulders above many who never have/make or take the time to work through the darker, sadder bits. Use your community – we want to do what we can to let you know we think you are great and God holds your hand at all times.
Speaking of community, I have talked with Carol and some other recently delivered mommies from class and they are interested in trying to get together to share and support… so it sounds as though the new moms group will be a go. And Katrina, the new mommies group is open to all mommies who have babies 6 months and younger… so I am not certain how old Maddy is (or if you are local), but you are welcome to come and join us as well. Be good to and gentle with yourselves ladies – you have been a part of a miracle and that is REALLY tough work!
Hi Ann – I’m so sorry for the struggle you are currently going through. Those first few months can be such a crazy rollercoaster. There were several days where I would call James at work to see if he could come home early because I just felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was a very strange experience for me to feel like I wasn’t in control of anything – I couldn’t control how Benjamin acted, I couldn’t control my emotions… nothing. Some things that helped me through that stage:
– long bubble baths (usually with a book to read)
– people who came to watch the baby or cook a meal or clean the house
– James – he would come home early, watch Benjamin, take night duty if Benjamin was up but not hungry, reassure me that I wasn’t insane and that he still loved me.
– singing – I would sing hymns and praise songs to Benjamin while calming him down. I think the words to the songs helped to keep me calm and helped me to focus on something other than the fact that Benjamin was crying for whatever reason. One favorite was “It is well with my soul” – this song can still help calm Benjamin even now (probably because he heard it so much in the early days). I also liked the singing because I had a hard time praying and with songs, the words are all ready written for me.
– from time to time, if I felt especially overwhelmed and couldn’t calm Benjamin, I would put him in his crib and set a timer for anywhere from 3 to 5 minutes. I would lay down and read something (to distract me from his crying) and just calm myself down. Once the timer went off, I would go back and get him and it would be much easier to calm him because of that little “break”.
– goal setting – I would try to set a reasonable goal (like, today I will do Benjamin’s laundry or today I will do the dishes). Accomplishing it really helped me to feel a lot better.
Good luck Ann – I will be praying for you all.
Sorry, one clarification… moms group open to all moms, but bringing baby along is an option only until 6 months then they are just so active moms need a break in order to think and socialize without the ir babies. The more the merrier… I just can’t get a normal thought out today!
Nicole x2 – such great information. Thanks for sharing your strategies and stories.
Ann, I don’t have any different advice than what’s already been given. (Although I would endorse all of Nicole’s comments). Just know that we all love you – a ton! – and want to help however we can. It’s hard to have a baby. Wonderful, but hard. I’m praying for you.
Watching an Audrey Hepburn movie may be kind of fun as well.
Blessings,
Nicole
yup, brings back memories. All the moms I know well have gone through some of this. I wish I had some magic make-it-better words.
For me it was worst with my first child, I think because the transition from married-and-working to stay-at-home mom was so dramatic, and I’d never before realized that the only way I knew how to make and maintain friends was working with them… now suddenly all my friends were still working (“doing IMPORTANT things”) and I was doing the brainless jobs of diapering and nursing and trying unsuccessfully to keep the house clean. I’d gone from being valuable and appreciated to failing to master even the basics. I felt like my IQ dropped 80 points, my appearance went from being a 5 to being a -1, and I was discovering all sorts of hidden sins and personality flaws I never knew I had. Who ever knew I could get so angry? Or manipulative? Or whiney, for pete’s sake?
I can relate to Nicole, for me singing hymns was about the only sort of quiet time or communication with God I had many days, other than the “OK, God, fix me and get me out of this mess” type prayers.
Being outside as often and as much as I could helped a lot.
Strangely, getting the dishes done (always my hardest chore for some reason) made a big difference – the “there, I’ve done the worst of it” sort of accomplishment.
I made a list every day which included things like wash – dry – fold – put away laundry. pay bills. mail bills. prepare – eat – clean up lunch. I broke everything down into the smallest unit I could, and crossed it off with a big fat Sharpie marker. It made me feel like I was “doing” something. Maybe it was feeding, rather than dealing appropriately with, the American obsession with Getting Things Done, but it got me through.
I splurged on energy bars and didn’t worry about losing weight.
I discovered I could turn a grocery store trip into a two-hour-long diversion if I moved slowly. My son was happy in the sling being out of the house, so we went to the thrift store a lot – the nice ladies there always talked to me. It was winter so we didn’t do a lot of outside walking. We lingered at the post office. We walked every single aisle at Wal-Mart. We even walked around our church since it’s unlocked during the week AND has a bathroom, nursery and changing table which apparently nobody minded if I used midweek (and when I had two sometimes we’d go there just to play with their toys, shh don’t tell!)
With my 2nd child, I brought my camera on our walks and took pictures of everything, especially wildflowers. It helped me notice the beauty around me. With the photos at home I learned to identify a lot of the nearby wildflowers. It made me focus on beauty I would have otherwise not noticed.
With the twins I had tons of help and so was occasionally able to lock myself in my room to “take a nap” but secretly write poetry. For me that was restorative.
It just about killed me to ask Daniel for help – to ask him to take time away from his “more important” ministry job simply to help me with something every other mother seemed competent to do on their OWN. But sometimes I asked, and it was always worth it in terms of our sanity and our long-term mental health.
will keep you and Jon and Lucy in my prayers. Wish I could drop by with some chocolate!
You are all so wonderful — I knew you would be. I really appreciate all of the practical suggestions, all of your own stories, and all of the encouragement. It is so helpful to hear that other women have been through this and seen it through to the other side.
I’m feeling a bit better today, thank God for that! Thanks to you all for sticking with me in the tough times as well as the good times.
Ann I think almost all us mommies understand your struggle. I had it with Kaia, although I was in complete denial as to what was happening. This time I was prepared, with the help of my counselor. When things started getting bad (lists running through my head, an explosive temper, and the feeling that the whole world was crashing down around me) I called and got zoloft from my midwife. It is definitely helping. On really bad nights, like last night, I didn’t lose it, even after Kaia decided to kick Mo and I.
I like the idea of staying busy, the busier I was the less problem I had. But unfortunately I had to sit down and relax at some point. Kaia needs a nap still, not all day outings, and Mo has to nurse. That’s when all of those would really kick in. I’m glad you are being pro-active and still seeing your counselor. Know that we are all here for you, and would never look down on you for what you feel.
Yeah, I am definitely open to going back on Zoloft (I was on it in the past, and it helped tremendously) if this doesn’t get better in about a week. I’m going to aim to see my counselor next week and see how I feel. I’m glad I feel better today, but the ups and downs definitely need to level out or I’m going to need some extra help!
Nicole W, I was just shaking my head at how your mom’s doctor told her she had cabin fever! Sometimes I really appreciate living out this stage of life in 2006. :)
Your tree bears hopeful fruit. If you can be this open about your feelings you have the one essential tool to build more comfort.
Also, pharmaceutical intervention — while not for everyone physically or philosophically — sure fixed my shit! It can work like a charm.
Will a drug make you less yourself?
Does anxiety?
Et omne quod movetur et vivit erit vobis in cibum quasi holera virentia tradidi vobis omnia
Ann,
I vividly remember the unpredictability of Quinn’s first few months and the struggle to figure out this whole Mom thing. Obviously the hormones were not an issue for me, but the overwhelming task of caring for a baby was. I know you know this and that you have a great community around you, but I want to add my voice to say that you are NOT alone. I am so glad that you are talking about it and addressing the issue. I think the most important thing is that we share both our struggles and our joys as moms.
She’s a beautiful little girl and so blessed to have you and Jon as parents.
Lynn
For those of you who might be wondering, Uncle Jim’s Latin (“above”:http://boydsnest.org/news/2006/rough-times/#comment-396) is Genesis 9:4, which (I take it) he’s offering as an affirmation of God’s pharmaceutical gifts when needed: “Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.”
Uncle Jim — Jon and I love your questions: “Will a drug make you less yourself? Does anxiety?†Those are great.
Lynn, thanks for your words! Your comment adds to my theory that, hormones or no hormones, raising an infant has a unique ability to makes us feel a bit crazy sometimes. I try (and usually succeed) to believe that this will get better — otherwise, why would people ever have more than one child? :)