I realize I _just_ said that it was “_easier_ the second time”:/news/2008/easier-the-second-time/, but I’m changing my story.
Rosie and Lucy have just treated us to a couple of (how shall we say it?) “interesting” nights. We wonder: could they possibly have read our “post”:/news/2008/easier-the-second-time/ and want to mess with us? The experience did remind us that life can take a “glass-half-empty” twist just with the loss of a few hours sleep. So here’s another, equally true perspective from the front lines.
p{color:gray}. Photo: Here’s Mama juggling babies at tooth-brushing time.
While we still say that life is often going smoother than expected, we are definitely encountering some challenges along the way:
# We are trying to help Rosie eat every two to three hours during the day (so that she won’t be up all night wanting to eat), but it’s not always easy to rouse her from her daytime slumbers. We hate to rouse her from sleep when we wish _we_ could sleep so soundly!
# Lucy loves to hug her little sister, but is also sensing a bit of the tension and disorder in our household — and expressing it through occasional fits of hollering and some nighttime wake-ups (much to our dismay!).
# Even on a good night, we’re delighted to get a single three-hour block of uninterrupted sleep. The deprivation is making Jon and me edgy at times, and we’re both feeling a bit anxious about how this Mama is going to handle two babies when Jon ramps back up to his regular work schedule.
# In fact, Jon has definitely had the “baby blues” — an important reminder that post-partum depression isn’t just for the Mama! Dads, take good care of yourselves, too!
Luckily, I did find time yesterday to bake some of our favorite “chocolate cupcakes”:http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/chocolate-cupcakes?xsc=stf_MSLO-RECIPE. (Can you say “comfort food”?) I am still trying to take one day at a time and trying to be grateful for the peaceful and joyful moments we happen upon. But things are not always easy. Here are some thoughts that make me anxious at times:
* Jon and I spend pretty much all of our time caring for babies or doing household work. One of these days we’ll actually get to talk to each other again, but that feels pretty far off right now. Jon is especially feeling stress about work-related projects that have been left hanging, and we are both concerned about my (or anyone’s) ability to put Lucy down for a nap while Rosie is doing something unpredictable.
* Rosie is only thirteen days old. Everybody I’ve talked to with children who are two years apart say that the first three months are really tough, and then it gets manageable. That means we have at least 77 more days of “really tough.” That’s a little depressing.
* The good news is that nursing is still going well; Rosie has more than re-gained her birth weight as of our two-week pediatrician visit today. Hooray! The bad news is that, if she keeps up the nighttime “cluster feeding” trend, Mama and Papa won’t ever get any sleep. (Speaking of which, does anyone have tips on nursing while lying down? Every time I’ve tried it in the past, I end up with a lot of tension in my back — I just can’t get comfortable and relax.)
* Lucy woke up several times calling for us the last couple nights, which is totally unlike her. She is also taking weirdly short naps — less than an hour long. Is she wishing for more attention? More snuggling from Mama and Papa? Is there any way we can give it to her? Will she continue to wake up at night for awhile? Lord, have mercy on us! Jon says that Lucy’s just trying to find out whether we’ll respond to her cries as she sees us responding to Rosie’s. Let’s hope she learns that comforting lesson.
I’m still holding on to the fact that this is a temporary phase. I’m also conscious of the fact that I really *want* us to succeed as a family. I want to be a peaceful, patient mother who can juggle all of the needs of these babies and still feel like a human being. It might not all come together this week (ha), but I’m hoping that I can get the hang of this over the next several months. I keep looking at people with older children and thinking, “This must be possible — look at all of these people with two children or more!” Hopefully we have all the resources we need to climb this steep learning curve.
Hi Ann – I didn’t write anything on your “easier the second time” post because I thought it was harder the second time and didn’t want to discourage you! Benjamin started waking up at night after Ella was born and talking to friends with more than one at the time, it seemed pretty common. I think they feel some stress/anxiety from all the upheaval. We would just go in, give him a cuddle and put him back to bed (all silently – no talking to him so as not to encourage it as a means of interacting with us). I can’t remember how long that phase lasted – a few weeks or a month, I think. Definitely an added frustration when you’re so tired!
As far as nursing laying down goes – I was never able to master it with either of mine until they were much older (like 6 months) and more adept at latching themselves on. It just seemed too awkward with a newborn. I would use my Brestfriend pillow which works so well you really don’t have to hold the baby at all – I would recline our glider, lay the baby on the pillow and put an arm over him/her and then snooze while they nursed.
With naptimes for Benjamin – I would usually just bring Ella in with me, put her on a blanket on the floor, read him some stories (or just one short one if she was fussy) and stick him in bed. If she was absolutely screaming and I knew she would take a bit of work to calm down, I would put her in her crib and close the door and then quickly put him to bed and then go deal with her. Benjamin really got pretty flexible on the nap routine which was a huge help.
One thing that I found helped with Benjamin was to give him some one-on-one time when I could (like when Ella was sleeping). Also, James would occasionally take him somewhere in the evening after dinner (like the grocery store or just to run errands) which he seemed to enjoy.
This can be a difficult time, but I promise it does get better! As I’m writing this, both kids are playing quite happily with no interaction from me. And they both sleep all night for the most part (and nap at the same time, too). So there’s definitely a light at the end of the tunnel – just hang in there and get all the help from friends and family who are nearby that you can!
Ann,
Well you are one I always look and and think, she is abnormal, how do she do it all!
Maddy stopped sleeping through the night with the home comming of Lydia and still doesn’t. She is in a toddler bed so she comes to our room (unless I get up at her first noises). One of us escourts her back to bed. We remind her that we all need sleep (It is sleepy time and mama and papa are tired and so are you). we lay her down, say I love you and leave. If it happens a second time we tell her we are going to close her door (she hates this because she can get up and come in our room) if she gets out of bed again.
Side nursing: With maddy I couldn’t do this until she was bigger. I have been doing it from birth with Lydia. I lay down a towel. I put her head in my arm pit on the down side(I have small boobs, so this might be to high for you) and put that arm under my head or around her back. I put a pillow behind my back to suport me. Then I use the towel to pull her tight to me…as it is under her, I pull it as a swaddle around her and up over me. I use a towel because she tends to let milk drain from her mouth a bit. Her head sometimes smells a bit like arm pit…ick. Does that make sense?
Sorry to hear that things are challenging right now. Hoping that Lucy adjusts quickly and that you guys have a chance to sleep. Sleep = good.
Ahh Ann! I was always so tired I just passed out sleeping, and my kids never had problem finding boob to eat. I usually rest my head on my arm and brought my knees up.
I really did find it easier the second time, but there were those rough times. I didn’t think it was the first 3 months, though. By week 3 we had settled into a fair routine. Kaia began to adjust, Mo figured out a schedule, and I was getting back into my groove.
I’m praying for you all!
Hi Ann!
It comes in waves! Some days will be really tough and have you on your knees wanting to cry….and the next day will be pure bliss wanting 12 kids! Take each day as it comes. I always remind myself (like several times a day!) that this phase of life is SO SHORT! We only have little ones for a few years. Enjoy whatever moments of it that you can.
It seems to be a theme that older children wake up at night when a new baby comes home. Marie did this as well. It probably happened for a few months. My opinion is that it has a LOT to do with quality time spent with them. Anthony tries to take our girls on “dates” by themselves quite often (sometimes up to twice a week). I try to grab snippets of time to sit on the couch and hold them and read to them. In our house Anthony does bedtime so that he can spend that extra time with them at night to try to connect with them since he is gone all day, but we have found that sometimes, when they are feeling a little needy, it is helpful if we both do bedtime to give extra attention and make it seem like they are the most important thing in the world that both parents would stop everything to come put them to bed.
Also, do everything you can to get Lucy sleeping at the same time as Rosie and then go straight to bed yourself! I survive because I nap! : )
Lindsay
hmmm…. I don’t think it’s as cut-and-dried as waiting through three months of hell to find out that there’s “normal” on the other side. There’s a whole lot of mini ups and downs on the way. God has in his grace, once again, given you more than you can handle…. now comes the hard part of (1) trusting him and (2) growing into your new responsibility.
Nursing lying down: one thing that worked for me with twins was to lie on my back with pillows on either side of me; the babies laid essentially face-down with their heads on my ribcage and their bums and legs on the pillows – and then they popped off as they fell asleep, laying on their sides. With the other kids I lay on my side like Katrina suggested, but my back often did hurt. The only disadvantage to laying on your back is it’s hard to get re-covered up and warm without waking someone!
I remember crying often, with baby twins, that I could not take one more night of X, whatever X was: Mac’s apnea monitor squealing all night, having to give them both reflux medicine every three hours all night, changing the 3 am diapers, a spate of nightmares for the then 3-year-old, a spate of wetting beds by the then 5-year-old. By no means did I handle it with maturity and grace. I did my share of screaming, pouting, and crying. But when I genuinely brought it to God, I began to see how he rescued me, every time, when I truly needed it – someone coming by to watch kids so I could nap, or someone bringing a meal over, or one baby miraculously sleeping through the night… and sometimes He just truly gave me the strength to get through just one more night.
And really that’s all we’re called to do: “each day has enough trouble of its own”. Don’t worry about what life will or will not be like 3 months down the line… because it will be different. You will NOT go back to normal… you will go forward to something else – you will be someone else. And you’ll look back on your former self with a mixture of amusement, envy, relief and sadness – but you’ll be older and wiser – mostly in good ways, right ways.
All those parents with two children or more: they’ve learned to do it because they’ve had to do it. In some ways it’s just as simple as that. And the sleep deprivation? Your body really does get used to it, more or less. It gets easier as you settle into a rhythm — any rhythm. Now when my kids wake up at 3 am or 5 am, it’s much harder than when it was a regular routine.
I still have one who wakes regularly at 1 am and it’s my cue to put more wood in the woodstove. I’ve discovered if I have the attitude that a full night’s sleep is a gift and not a right, that I do much better. How many of our ancestors with rheumatism, or outdoor bathrooms, or mosquitoes, or savage natives lurking in the woods – how many of them really ever got a full night’s sleep? It’s a luxury, a privilege which was yours for 20+ years… and isn’t yours for awhile. Call it “good missionary training” – the wee hours can be good times to count blessings… and to beg God for grace and mercy.
Praying you’ll see God’s mercy and love for you in the midst of it all–
Ann,
If Roz has gained weight well, give her a nuk/pacifier after you have given her a good full night nursing. She may just need to suck. Maddy never took one, but Lydia sucks all the time and we found that if I give her one after I topped her off at 10pm she goes down (it falls out and she wakes up, I put it back in and then she goes out totally….sometimes we have to put it in a few times). After she gets in a deep sleep she is out for 6 hours. This hasn’t hurt nursing at all and we are getting more sleep. you could give it a try.
-katrina
The pacifier worked well for Ella, too.
Ann,
As I have followed your blog for the past 2 years I have enjoyed learning and growing with you as a new parent. There is a five year gap between Charles and Naomi….and then 17 months between Gwenna and Naomi. At 41 with 11 years of parenting under my belt, I often feel like a new parent all over again with the girls. Anyway, I have learned much from your friends here.
You and Jon bring a sense of fun to your parenting and I dont think that hard days and nights…or transitions to new grooves make you less successful. I am reminded of the verse in John that says that “in this world you will have tribulation but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world.” I know that having babies may not be what John was talking about…but they really do undo us in ways we could never imagine. With each of my children I have been stretched in new ways. What seemed successful when Alex and Joseph were babies… like getting out every day for a walk in the blustry winds of Chicago in March…at times seems like an impossibility now. I often wonder if I will ever get a work out that lasts more that 15 minutes at a time again. You guys are a good team, your children are happy…and I hope that this does not seem trite but I am sure the Father is delighted by the pure joy you get from your children. And He rejoices over you in the same way.
With each of our children God has placed a hymn or two on my heart that I pray and sing over them often while nursing… With Naomi it was Great is thy Faithfulness…”Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow” I pray this for you, today,friends. You will get into a new groove. The dance has changed but I am sure that you will quickly learn the new steps along with Rosie and Lucy.
Ann you are right things get easier with each child but yes they also get harder…or perhaps more complicated. I have been finding that it is in the complications that I am brought to my knees, humbly seeking God for whatever is next. For wisdom in dealing with jealousy, wisdom and guidance in giving each child what they need from me. What my husband needs from me…I am thankful that God is faithful with new mercies every moment. Because, I know how short I fall. I also know that there are moments when I feel like I have been a good mom…we have all been in a good groove together….I have hugged those that need hugs, been patient when I wanted to scream…I do believe that God does walk through this parenting journey with us when we ask.
Remember too you just had a baby two weeks ago…those hormones will take awhile to settle down. Learn to say yes to help…and know what will help you. Would you rather take a nap while some one cleans for you….Do you need to get out? Can someone watch Rosie for a half an hour so that you can have a little date with Lucy? I think that post pardum help diminishes more quickly after a second baby because “people” think you kind of know how to do these things the second time around…but my gut and experience says that you need more help…more meals…because even though some things really are easier…some things have gotten harder.
Whew! Got to go….We will be in Chicago mid-April I would like to bring a meal that you can stick in your freezer…for a crazy day…Let me know if there is something in particular you would enjoy.
Ann – Thanks so much for blogging about your parenting experiences. Last year at this time, I would go back and read your entries about Lucy as a newborn. It was such a comfort to know that 1) this is just a season and 2) we were not alone in sleep-deprivation! We don’t have #2 on the way any time soon, but it’s nice to read what’s ahead in our future.
Hey Ann,
I’ve got my own take on all of this :) When Ramona was about Rosie’s age, I was always telling myself (and Andy!) that it was only a phase and that in a few months things would be much more managable and feel easier. When Ramona got sick we had to accept that we didn’t, and still don’t, have any idea when things will be “easy” and “better”. And my old attitude of just trying to get through every day? I had to discard that too, although I do often thank God aloud when I get them both in bed each night. Because this difficult time with Ramona is possibly our only time with Ramona, I try and not look ahead or back too much. I try to just acknowledge the things that are hard, celebrate the stuff that is easy and fun and just rest in the knowledge that for today I’m doing my best (usually).
I know your future with your babies is much more certain than ours with Ramona, but in a sense the Rosie and Lucy you have now are for a limited time only! I’m not saying “Oh, enjoy these times!”, I know how trite that can sometimes sound. I guess I’m saying that no one but God knows what is down the road for any of us and trying to just “get through” to sometime in the future when everything will be “better” hasn’t served me too well lately even though it used to be my bread and butter.
I’m rambling now, love you guys…
One thought that helped me: there were almost never two Really Bad Days in a row. I often went to bed thinking “tomorrow has to be better.” And oddly, that was encouragement enough.
Another thought that gives me confidence when Darel works long days: I’m the Mom. Meaning no one is going to swoop in and save the day. It’s up to me. And why shouldn’t it be? I’m the Mom. I’m the expert (however inept) on my kids and God will help me feed, soothe, teach them, even as he feeds, soothes, teaches me.
And it’s not Groundhog Day. You only have to live each day once. You always get another chance in the morning. Well, then, maybe it IS Groundhog Day. Whatever.
I think that it’s really appropriate that your “harder the second time” and “easier the second time” entries are back-to-back. Because everything you wrote in both posts is true! Things are easier, re: having a newborn, but harder because you’re throwing a toddler with his/her own opinions & personality as well.
The worst nights have been when Ben woke up for some reason and I went in to him, only to *just* fall back asleep and have Caroline wake up and want to eat. I feel your pain, I really do!! Ben was doing some night waking, but it was a relatively short phase.
Re: lying down nursing — I would really try to take a day out with the intention of mastering it. It really does make a huge difference in how rested you feel, I think. Find a day when Jon isn’t working and can be on Lucy duty (or even better, take her out for a morning) and you work on trying to get Rosie latched on (obviously don’t do it when she’s screaming, etc). Try lying on your side and putting a pillow (or two) behind your back to give you some support. And try some different positions with her (under armpit? head on top of your arm? etc.) to figure out what works best for you guys. I normally have to cup my boob with the opposite hand to aim it towards Caroline’s mouth and then she can latch.
If that doesn’t work after giving it a good college try, then what Chris & I did was make it so that I was on Caroline duty and Chris was on Ben duty. He did all things pertaining to Ben in the first few months (until he went to work, at least) and I managed Caroline. We all were able to get good rest that way since Caroline slept next to me and I barely woke up when she’d nurse.
It will get easier. It’s just one more layer of dying to oneself. Hard to learn, even harder when you’re sleep-deprived!