The change of seasons is bringing back a lot of memories of my hugely pregnant self at this time last year. While I don’t miss feeling like a ballerina hippo, there is something I had when I was pregnant that is hard to get back now: the determination to take good care of myself.
I come from a long line of people-pleasers, and it is only in my adult life that I’ve gotten any good at all at paying attention to my needs. I’ve found that I need some regular disciplines to do this. In my early twenties, I got into the habit of taking regular retreats, scheduling fun time with friends, and even cleaning my apartment. (I’m quite messy by nature, but I’ve learned that having a tidy space helps me to feel tidy in my mind, too.) My “journaling”:http://annagram.org/extras/journaling.html habit has been really key in helping me listen to myself at least once every day.
Disciplines help even for basic needs, like food. “Weight Watchers”:/news/2006/shedding-the-extras/ works so well for me because it helps me to ask the question, “Is this actually worth eating, either for taste or nourishment?” And if it isn’t, I don’t eat it! Way better than being a human garbage can or trying to soothe myself by eating a dozen cookies. Feeding myself well is most challenging when Jon is out of town; when he is home, cooking dinner is worth the trouble. If I’m eating alone, the menu is often a frozen dinner — which could be worse, but it certainly doesn’t make me feel like a million bucks.
I’ve noticed lately that several of my self-care disciplines have evaporated since Lucy’s birth. Swimming, retreats, reading books, and most forms of alone time have taken a back-burner to caring for Lucy and spending time with Jon. It really helps that journaling only takes me about ten minutes a day, so I still do that. But I just don’t feel compelled to prioritize an hour at the coffee shop over an hour spent in our Boyds’ Nest.
This is where I get confused. The truth is, I really *enjoy* taking care of my family. I am having such a blast with Lucy — going for walks with her, singing to her during diaper changes, snuggling her after she takes a tumble, explaining how to choose the best asparagus in the produce section (skinny stalks are the most tender). I love planning and cooking yummy, nourishing meals for Jon and me, lighting a candle and setting the table for a special dinner. I love cleaning up the kitchen at night, and I love sitting around with Jon and talking about our day. I love making our home a cozy and safe place for all of us to flourish in. A lot of these activities fall in this netherworld of caring for others *and* caring for myself. It’s only when Lucy is asleep and Jon is away that I think, “Now, what was it that I enjoy doing by myself for two hours? And what is interesting about me again?” Even the most joyful nurturing activities can leave a girl empty when all of her “nurturees” are away or asleep.
When I was pregnant with Lucy, I discovered that it was really easy to identify my desires and take them seriously. Tired? Well, I’d better take a nap because the baby needs my extra energy. Hungry? I’ll make a chicken salad sandwich — gotta feed the baby! Need a backrub? I’ll ask for one — it’s important for the pregnant lady to be relaxed. Oh, and don’t forget to spend time reading about labor and drawing some “birth art”:/news/2006/birthing-from-within-by-pam-england-rob-horowitz/ — we are at our most creative when pregnant! Our culture really promotes this kind of pampering, which is one reason that miscarriage and infertility is so hard: it’s like missing out on the one chance women have to be princesses.
Does all this say something about how I see myself? Am I only worth pampering if I’m taking care of another person by doing it?
So, I’m wondering if there is a way that I can harness that pregnancy self-care drive and use it in my everyday life as a mom. Not that I want to sit around and eat bon-bons all day (although once in awhile that wouldn’t be too bad), but I would like to get better at knowing when I need to just put my feet up and read instead of vacuuming, or ask Jon to take care of Lucy for an hour or two while I visit a bookstore, or go to a yoga class, or take the time to “cook something”:/news/2006/sushi-bowl/ for my dinner if Jon is out.
The hard part is that I want it both ways: I want to spend all of Lucy’s waking hours with her *and* I want to go to the gym. I want to spend an afternoon reading *and* I want to clean our house. I want to watch a movie with Jon *and* I want to go knit with my friends. With so many good options, how is a girl to choose? But even with all my soul-searching, I’m really conscious of how grateful I am that life is so full of good things right now.
Alice, my spiritual director, always asks the question, “What is God’s invitation to you?” I love that question because it reminds me that I’m not on a quest for perfection, but on a journey of growth in which God helps me to take a few new steps every once in awhile. Perhaps the next few steps include some more time spent in creative pursuits, or maybe establishing a weekly swimming appointment. Whatever the road holds, I’m glad to be walking it while Jon and Lucy cheer me on!
Oh, Ann, this area of balance is a big challenge for me too. Redefining myself as *me* after children is confusing because I really love being dedicated to my family, serving them, teaching them, enjoying them. An occasional Girls’ Night Out almost seems selfish until I (or Darel) points out that it gives me more energy and joy to come home for more family time. When Abi was about 18 months old, it felt possible and not-too-stressful to have a regular Keri Night Out. I took a quilt-making class at the local fabric store. I took an Historical Jesus class at my church. I took knitting or the laptop to the coffee house. I took a prenatal yoga class as Josi’s birth approached. I look forward to the near future when I can have a fun, healthy, much-needed and regularly-scheduled time away from home. This mamma needs it. :)
We have a young mom’s devo at church. For one whole hour, our kids are in the fellowship hall being entertained by other church members, while we spend time in prayer, in worship, and catching up on life. What a blessed hour.
Someone once told me, “before you have a child you don’t know what your life will be like with them, after you have a child, you don’t remember what you did without them.” So so sooooo true. Part of “me” is my kids. I took them to grammy’s so hubby and I could go camping and not worry about the kids, and I missed them. Things just aren’t the same when I dont have them with me. I do recommend the short escape though. For me I love to leave them with dad, while I go get a coffee or go grocery shopping. It is hard to shop though as I like to tell the kids everything we are buying and discuss the different brands/varieties. People think I”m wierd when I say “these green peppers are awfully bruised, no wonder they’re on sale” and I’m the only one there.
I’m so glad you write about these topics. I appreciate your thoughts!
Once your full-time mom career starts it becomes crazy difficult to tune into your personal needs the way it used to be. I think the best idea is to take a little bit of time, or even list-brainstorm as you go through a day, and decide what sort of self-nurturing things are important for you right now. Then SCHEDULE them in, thereby forcing yourself to attend to them. There they are, right on the schedule for you and Jon and Lucy and everyone else to see. “Oops, there’s my appointment, got to go!” and off you head to the coffee shop or pool or whatever. You won’t regain a quiet sense of self for many years! And that’s OK. So make taking care of you happen anyway. You’ll schedule well-care doctor appointments for Lucy, so do the same for Ann.
There is a book called, “finding the me in mommy” I forget who wrote it but she is Christian. I found it to have a lot of great ideas for re-discovering yourself as a new woman. I have struggled with this as being a mom means you now come last. I always put Madelyn’s and Brian’s needs first then the church people’s and then mine…but I never have time for me and if I take time it seems to make the whole day fall apart or I feel guilty. But then when I go a long period with out me-time I turn into a big ugly beast (well ugly is normal, but not the beast part). So I do some of the little things this author suggested. Like pray little prayers while cleaning….when washing dishes I pray that God would wash my heart and make it pure for him. I love putting in “Seeds” Cds (songs for memorizing scripture) and Maddy and I dance…CRAZY dance (no one is watching!). It is a rear day that I get a real quiet time, but I get a few minuets here and there where I can stop and breath in the breath of God, where I can relax and examine how I a feeling at that moment. Now that maddy is getting to be a child (not needy baby) I can finally do things like take a shower with out looking out of the shower to see if she is eating stuff out of the trash. This helps me feel sane.
So I know how you feel. I pray that you will find a pace that works for you and that you can fuel yourself so you can go full force for everyone else. Blessings.
Katrina.
I’ve got to say that having the second baby has actually helped me to take more time for myself. When I only had Benjamin, I was very diligent about getting things done during nap time (like cleaning, baking, etc.). Now that I have two and am crazy busy with both all day long and they only overlap naps for maybe 45 minutes, I take that time and just sit. Sometimes I read a book, sometimes I surf the Internet, sometimes I just sit on the couch and enjoy the silence. I guess being exhausted is a good way to force yourself to take a break. Sure, the house is a mess, but that small break during the day preserves my sanity.
I’ve also gotten better at doing things that I used to do with Benjamin sleeping with him awake. He “helps” me clean the bathrooms, vacuum the floor, make dinner, do the dishes (he loves the soap bubble), “fold” the laundry so that I can take more of a break when he’s sleeping instead of doing these other things.
I also try to do things with the kids that help me feel refreshed. Things like taking walk on a sunny day or going to the Library to get a new book. We also like to go to the mall and just walk around (Benjamin especially loves it as he gets to walk next to the stroller and can see in all the stores since the windows go to the floor).
When I had two and three and four I used to make the older babies go for “quiet time” in their room as soon as the baby went down for a nap. Of course, it was hardly quiet, as they were all bouncing off the wall of a shared room on a floor futon. Those that were in potty training got really good at timing their poops during quiet time, because I’d let them out for that! But – it did give me a moment of peace to read something, like the Bible or Vogue Magazine, and maybe journal or sneak a fast shower. Later on when the kids were older and able to play relatively peacefully on their own, crazy quiet time did evolve into an hour a day when they knew I’d be reading and they’d have to do without me. On days when none of this worked, I could always lock myself in the bathroom for a while. Maggie got in the habit of saying, “Mommy, you pee for a long time.” Funny thing is, my teenage introverted Maggie is now the one who we often find in the bathroom reading!