Lucy is taking the world by storm as a full-blown toddler these days: walking everywhere, feeding herself with a fork, “learning new words”:/news/2007/vocabulary-update-october-12/, and throwing some mild tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way.
p{color:gray}. Photo: “You want a piece of me?”
For awhile now, I’ve been expecting we’d see new expressions of Lucy’s quest for autonomy. It has been lovely that, for so long, we could just distract her with a new activity when she was crabby about hearing a “no.” But it is becoming increasingly clear that occasionally she understands our prohibition and just doesn’t want to comply.
Most amusing are the times that she starts doing something she is not supposed to — like climbing on the kitchen table or opening the trash can or reaching for the spinning wheel as she rides in the jogging stroller — all the while saying to herself, “No, no, no.” It’s like watching her have a conversation with a tiny devil/angel pair perched her shoulders.
So, these days I tell her “no” or “stop,” and I take her away from the situation. Often, if I just turn my full attention to her and play with her for a few minutes, she is content. But sometimes she cries and fusses about a “no,” and although I don’t give in, it is hard to have this break in our relationship. As much as I’m glad to see her progressing through this normal stage of separation and individuation, it is sometimes hard to take! It sure was easier when she agreed with everything I said. :)
On my best days, I am glad to see Lucy growing up into a young girl with opinions of her own, even if they differ from mine. I try to remember that this is the normal and healthy stage in her development now, and to always have a good reason for rules (“We buckle up for safety,” or “You may not throw food on the floor because it is difficult for me to constantly clean it up.”). But it is a challenging transition to go from the intensely bonded relationship of mother-and-infant to the more independent interactions of mother-and-toddler.
I suppose some of my anxiety about my relationship with Lucy has to do with “our new pregnancy”:/news/2007/our-little-announcement/. How will our relationship change when Baby arrives? Will I have enough (energy, time, love) to give both of them? What does it mean that Lucy isn’t my “baby” anymore, that she is growing up?
Additionally, it is difficult to know how to discipline these days. We haven’t yet tried the “time-out,” but my distraction tactics are not working like they used to. I’ve noticed that, for the most part, Lucy disobeys when she wants me to just pay some attention to her. If I can just discipline myself to stop peeling garlic and pick her up, she is just fine. But sometimes I need to cook dinner! Is this where frozen pizzas come in?
Despite Lucy’s occasional mini-tantrums, I’m grateful to enjoy closeness and intimacy with her in new ways — snuggling on the couch together reading a book, blowing kisses to each other, giggling through a tickle-fest, or enjoying a long good-night hug. I’ll just need to keep trusting God that he is knitting our hearts together as a family, and watching for all the good gifts he has for us in the process.
We implemented time-out shortly after Ella was born (so Benjamin was about 16 – 17 months old). We would put him in the pack and play for 1 1/2 minutes (they say to give one minute for every year of life). Anyway – this worked pretty well. Having a newborn to deal with, I did not always have time to effectively distract him from such dangerous activities as climbing on the table. Plus, I felt that hitting his baby sister (which started pretty quickly after she came home) deserved more than just a change in activities. We still utilize the time-out, only now it’s in a booster wtih a buckle (because he can climb out of the pack and play) and after his 2 minutes, we talk to him about why he had to sit there before letting him out.
It’s hard to see them grow up for sure, but I still feel that Benjamin and Ella are both my “babies”.
I think the biggest change you’ll ever go through in your life (at least in my limited experience) is from one baby to two. That bond with the first baby is so unique, so consuming, so enchanting, so entangling! The first time I tried to sing a lullaby to Jake, my number 2, I cried. Those were Eli’s songs! Honestly, there was much grieving those first couple of weeks as I learned to let go of my solo relationship with my first child. But there’s nothing like motherhood to stretch your heart wide and keep stretching it. Saying no to guilt is the key. Once you see how those two kids love and play with each other as toddlers, you’ll see why.
One mother of 4 that I know says that she didn’t really feel like a mom till she had her second child. She explained that with her first baby, the two of them did everything together; there wasn’t much distinction between mother and child. But with the second, she felt more like a mother (always breaking up the sibling fights, I guess!)
There is a sweet board book called On Mother’s Lap that’s about the mom’s ability to hold her two dear children (and their toys and blankies) on her lap, and in her heart.
A tidbit about discipline, we start giving time-outs (times-out?) around 18 months old. But it’s so effective, I always wonder why we didn’t start a month or two sooner.
Ann,
I totally get what you are going through. I sometimes wonder if I was smoking crack when we discussed #2 and then went to the doctor to make sure my body was ready, and then actually put the plan into action. I have actually struggled a lot with “wanting” this baby from the moment I knew until about 4 months along in this pregnancy. Now that baby is kicking and Madelyn really knows what is coming the reality is a sure thing and God has helped me to bond with this one, not as much as with Madelyn when see was a little peanut in me, but in a different way. This baby is loved just as much, but in a different way. It has a sister helping me to plan for her arrival, it has a different church family and a mom and dad who are excited for it.
As for time-outs. We still don’t do them and Maddy is 21 months old. But we really haven’t had any issues with her. I have had a few melt-downs. I read somewhere about getting down to eye level and asking way she was _________ (crying, angry, upset, sad…) and then saying, “I understand you are angry with me” then adding what you want Lucy to do…. or why you did what you did. I thought this was a load of crap, but I tried it with Madelyn and was so surprized that she understood me and the melt-down stopped right away. I tried this at 17 months old or so (In a parking lot as she was crying that I didn’t give her a snack that she spied in the car).
I must say that toddlers are so much fun. Maddy likes to climb up on the coffee table and dance the YMCA. Of course she first removes all clothes, except the diaper/panties then dances. She also likes to dance in the baby’s room, which she has decorated so specifically right down to color and characters!
Enjoy your girl!
I think how soon you can start depends on the child, but we certainly found it effective at 16 months of age (and still do). It’s also helpful to sometimes remove the problem item – so if, for example, Benjamin was repeatedly throwing a toy, we put him in time-out and while he was there, put the toy up high where he couldn’t get it to throw it again (out of sight out of mind). Now that he’s a little older we warn first (if you throw that toy again, we’re going to put it away) and then if he repeats we take it and put it up high where he can see it and then put him in time-out. He generally can have the toy back the next day or after his nap or something like that.
It’s kind of crazy how creative you have to get sometimes and sometimes we find a reward system works much better than punishment. For example – Benjamin has lately enjoyed getting out of bed 7 or 8 times every time we put him down for his nap or bedtime. We tried silently putting him back to bed, we tried scolding, we even tried a gate (which he learned to take down). Finally, I decided to make a chart for him where if he stays in bed, when his nap/the night is over he gets a sticker. At the end of the week, for every sticker, he gets a penny in his piggy bank. This seems to be working so far (I just recently implemented it).
Katrina I think I’ve used that same line before when questioning having a second child! I know I wasn’t smoking crack, and I know that my two little lovely (some of the time) children are all I can handle, so I had my tubes tied.
Ann the best thing about toddlerhood is that it does pass. Also while they can be quite naughty (Mo has taken to running into the street, and screeching as loud as he can over and over for a good minute at a time) the cute things they do and their amazement of the world more than make up for it.
As for moody over-dramatic 4 year olds going on 14… well I have no advice there and I hope Lucy keeps her good temper. Most days my kids are lucky that I don’t put them to bed in the garbage can as I often threaten the little grouches.