On this brisk Chicago morning (5°F when we left the house!), we had an outing to our favorite local breakfast spot, “The Tre Kronor”:http://www.google.com/search?q=tre+kronor+chicago. Everything was wonderful — except for the cranky guy at the next table.
Now, we’ll be the first to admit that Lucy can project like an opera star. (In fact, “Ann admitted it”:/news/2006/lucys-troublesome-habit/ in her latest post right here at BNN!) So we were well aware that we might have to beat a hasty retreat from the place if the prima donna decided to make it a decibel day. But how delighted we were that she took to her industrial-issue highchair with interest, and sat silently sucking an industrial-issue spoon (see photo)….
…Until, after about 15 minutes there, she issued one of her contented, extended grunts. For a demonstration of about how much noise she made, play this seven-second video. Amid the noise of the bustling, breakfast-time restaurant, she could hardly even be heard, and we were feeling pretty lucky.
p{color:gray}. Note: If you can’t see the video, you may simply need to update your free “Quicktime”:http://www.apple.com/quicktime/ plugin.
But what do you know? The guy at the next table whips around and barks, “Pacifier! Use it!” Naturally, we were stunned — especially since as new parents this was the first time we’ve encountered such a rebuke. We didn’t respond to him, but I dearly wish I’d had the presence of mind to say, “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m really not comfortable putting a pacifier in your mouth, although you _are_ making rude noises, it’s true.”
This is the kind of thing that really gets under my skin, partly because the human shaming response is hard to sidestep and partly because I so strongly dislike buttheads. I do also dislike ill-mannered children — or rather, parents who let them holler without regard for others — so on principle I sympathize with someone who feels unruly children are disrupting their dining experience. But this amount of noise? At breakfast? Let’s be reasonable. He might as well have objected to the laughter coming from some adults. (Besides, he seems to have an untutored confidence in the universal power of the pacifier.)
People on both sides certainly do get hot over this issue. There was a brouhaha here in Chicago last year over a café, “A Taste of Heaven”:http://www.google.com/search?q=taste+of+heaven+bakery+chicago, that posted a notice that “children of all ages should use their indoor voices” on the premises. (See the “_Reader_’s coverage”:http://www.chicagoreader.com/hottype/2005/051118_1.html for the big picture.) When I directed a “national conference for graduate students and faculty”:http://followingchrist.org/ in 2002, our policy against children in conference sessions was so objectionable to some that we had at least one man lying to our faces that he wasn’t bringing his kids — but we repeatedly caught him bringing them into the academic sessions. A friend of ours tells the story of being on a transatlantic flight with his three active, young children, and when asked before take-off by the man in front of him, “Is this what it’s going to be like the whole way over?”, our friend replied, “Yes, this is exactly the way it’s going to be the whole way over.” (What did the guy expect, the tranquilizers were going to kick in soon or something?)
But the questions aren’t easy. How much right do we have to experience the public sphere in decorum? How much right do we have to allow our children to experience a wide array of public places?
As you can imagine, the poo-poo head at the next table took a bit of the shine off our yummy breakfast. But on the whole, maybe it was a useful experience, because Ann and I now realize we need to prepare our hearts and tongues to be able to respond calmly and reasonably to people like this. Given the volume capabilities of our little Lucy Leather-Lungs, I’m sure there will be plenty of occasion.
It never ceases to amaze me how intolerant some can be of children. I do not like the whining screaming children in stores, yet I have been at the store when one of mine has decided it’s time for a good cry. Like everyone else, I need to eat, so I do my best to quiet them and finish my shopping quickly.
I wrote a letter to the editor recently after our local paper ran an article about restaurants with policies and signs similar to what you mentioned. I choose to eat in family friendly restraunts now. My husband and I attempted to eat at a Red Robin when I was pregnant with Mo. Now if you don’t have a Red Robin nearby, they are supposedly family friendly. Arcade area (which happens to be right next to the bar at our local one), balloons, coloring pages for the kids. They are also extremely loud with several tv’s playing sports stations and music blasting over all of that. So when Kaia began to cry because I wouldn’t let her play at the arcade by herself, I laid her down in my lap and tried to soothe her while I ate my meal. She wasn’t running around, and overall she wasn’t even competing with the noise in the restraunt. Yet we endured dirty looks from a nearby table of older people, and the waiter avoided coming over to see if we needed refills during this. My husband became so irritated with those around us that he finished and took Kaia out to the truck while I quickly finished. We havent’ been back.
We find that the local Mexican restaurants are the best places to take children. The Mexican culture is much more tolerant of kids being… well kids. I’ve had waitresses come and pick my daughter up and carry her around the restraunt while she cleaned tables. One waiter drew pictures for her. Others have smiled and laughed as my daughter behaved, what I felt was like a little heathen. It’s fairly hard for other customers to be rude when the staff can’t stop smiling at and enjoying your child.
I commend you for not doing anything to the poo-poo head, as I can guarantee my husband would have been arrested for assault had someone made such a comment to us.
Observing the loving care that the two of you shower on Lucia and her in-kind reply and gentleness, I think you should (and will) continue on your normal path. I know that this guy would bug the hell out of me on such an occasion, but we truly need to feel sorry for him. The love of a child is missing from his life and I feel sorry for him. The admiration of parents who pay attention to their child is not part of his experience so I feel sorry for him. His ‘pacifier solution’ indicates that he thinks this is a universal cure for any disturbance so he only demonstrates his lack of experience with children. I feel sorry for the guy.
Having said all of that, I must now express extreme regret for the fact that you failed to offer the clown his own pacifier!
We took Abi to an artsy, fun coffeehouse in town when she was about 18 months old. She was laughing, chatting, and being otherwise adorable (and audible). The OWNER asked us to ‘keep it down.’ Well, she’s never been there again, and I myself wanted to boycott the place. But when it’s the only artsy, fun place in town, what’s a girl to do?
Some friends of mine with 3 or more children often endure shaming looks from strangers. When they get an actual reprimand, they often comment with a smile “Yeah, my other 4 kids are at home!” I guess it pays to be prepared with some simple, not un-kind responses.
We took Benjamin on a plane when he was about 7 months old. Now I will be the first to admit that generally speaking when flying on an airplane and seated near someone with a baby, I would of course have the thought – oh great, I hope the baby doesn’t scream the whole time. That said, when boarding the plane, there was an older couple in the row in front of ours. When it became apparent that we were sitting right behind them, the wife leaned over to the husband and said something to the effect of “Oh great, they’re right behind us”. Imagine my irritation when just a few minutes later she turned around all smiles to complement how beautiful the baby was and ask how old he was, etc. Benjamin was fine during the flight except for during landing, at which point the husband in the couple turned around to suggest that we yawn at Benjamin to try and get him to yawn so as to relieve the pressure in his ears…
Anyway – it’s a tough line to walk – we want to be normal adults and do adult things, but on the other hand don’t want to ruin anyone elses adult time by bringing along a screaming child. The decision we have come to is to do our best to keep our children behaving (bring toys with us to entertain Benjamin or if need be take him for a walk around the store or restaurant or wherever to keep him quiet) and to go to more family friendly places where noise is to be expected. James and I both agree that when we’re out without children, it’s not noisy children that are bothersome – it’s when the children are out of control and the parents don’t even try to do anything about it – especially if the children are old enough to understand proper behaviour. I think that it’s important to expose our children to social situations and help them learn how to behave in public, we just have to realize that kids will be kids and you definitely can’t expect a 1 year to sit quietly while waiting at a restaurant!
I have to tell you both that you’ve inspired me. I’ve toyed with starting a blog of our own, but finally got around to it! If you want a view of life in the Kihn house just visit us at DTKMKihn.blogspot.com
Sorry to hear about your experience with the grump. I have found that for every person we encounter who doesn’t like kids in public, there are at least a couple more who smile at Evan or encourage us as parents (be it nursing in public or having a timeout outside the barbershop). Makes me want to be one of the encouragers! I hope as Evan gets older that I don’t forget how hard it is to have a little one.
That’s exactly right, Deborah! We get a zillion times more friendly responses to Lucy from people, and it’s good to keep that in mind.
Thanks, everybody, for your stories and your experience. And Tysa, thanks for letting us know about your blog; we’ve been checking it out.
Our friend Linda just told us another funny story: She was out with her sister and infant niece the day after Christmas, stuck in a long line to make a return, when her sister sensed the baby was about to melt down with fatigue and over-stimulation. “Get out your lipstick,” she said to Linda. “Why?” “Because in a couple of seconds, everyone in this store is going to be staring at us, and we gotta look our best!”
Jon, great story. =)
We haven’t experienced any public “outburst” on our part or others. But we have had other annoying things. Every time we try to eat out with Madelyn people are consently coming up and playing with her or waving and talking to her from afar. This doesn’t bother us until we can get her to focus on the food. She just smiles, waves and says, “el-o” and “dat”. Then when we decide to go she finally is ready to eat! ahh, how do you tell people to stop? or do you just not eat in public?
What a bummer. Yes, noisy, illmannered children and their thoughtless parents make my blood boil… even more since I have my own and know that it is the time and care parents take that often makes the difference. Having said that I am certain you and Ann are every bit the sensitive and attentive parents you need to be in order to keep a cool head and a happy baby in public. That guy was a big poop and I am sorry that he entered your sphere that day.