The other day, Lucy and I brought a meal to a family in our church with a new baby. I walked in holding a sausage-and-bean casserole but walked out thinking, “I want another baby!” How did that happen?
During Lucy’s first month or so, I remember thinking that everyone was a little bit out of touch with reality when they gushed about her. Yes, she was certainly cute, but “small”? Not if you were the one pushing her out! And they hadn’t had the opportunity to be driven to distraction by her incessant crying! These were often other women with babies of their own — did they just forget?
p{color:gray}. Photo: Lucy, twenty-five hours old.
I think the answer is: yes, they did forget a little bit, but they also had perspective. I imagine that having a second child, while coming with challenges if its own, would be not quite so nervewracking since you know that the screaming _will_ end, and eventually you’ll have a smiling five-month-old in your lap. It really doesn’t take that long. And they are extra-super-cute when they are so tiny!
We aren’t thinking about working on baby #2 _quite_ yet (although it is amazing how much optimism a good night’s sleep can give a person), but visiting our church friends did remind me of another question Keri sent me awhile ago: is there a “perfect” time to have another child? Probably not, but what are the pros and cons of birthing again sooner or later? It isn’t something we have total control over, but it does warrant consideration. Jon’s brother is two years older than he, while my brother and I are seven years apart, but even with this variety in our family experiences, we don’t feel as if we have much wisdom on this one.
In the meantime, I’m going to keep soaking up Lucy’s almost-six-month-old giggles and try to enjoy every minute as much as I can!
Ann,
I totally get you! I crave number two, too. Yet it only takes one sleepless night to make you rethink the timing!! As for our ideas of timing…
There is never a “right” time, yet we don’t want them so close that the “firsts” get missed. I was also very sick the whole time and the thought of trying to change diapers and not throw up slows me down a bit. We also have the stress of running a church and social services (2 million $$ budget a year) while balancing family and couple time. Thus we have decided that we can’t have number two until I can go three months without changing my mind (I want another baby Brian….boy, I don’t think I could ever have another baby.)
Lately I have had a lot of babies having babies and so I have gotten to be around newborns. One of my employee’s kids had a baby out of wedlock and I have had many hours teaching and guiding her. Then I just found out that one of our 12 year old’s is most likly pregnant (she is mhong and first generation here and there are a lot of cultural norms that are different). So I am finding myself doing a teen mom and teen abstinance ministry.
Any whoo. Enjoy Lucy’s firsts.
Wow, Ann. Things must really be going well for you to be even thinking favorably about #2.
I’m not the best person to comment about this, because we were planning to wait 4 years between children. We wanted to take things nice and slow, have things nice and calm (read: controlled). But then all of a sudden I was pregnant again! After saying a few colorful words, I immediately thought of 2 big positives of having kids close in age. 1) God must want me to get to my out-of-the-home career more quickly, and 2) if we decide to homeschool, it’ll be easier with kids closer in age. (It wasn’t until later did I realize that #1 and #2 are in some conflict with each other!) My girls are 28 months apart, not crazy-close, but closer than I would have chosen. I think the older they get, the more I will appreciate how close in age they are. Now that the newborn stage is over, it’s getting a bit easier. But as Josi gains mobility, I realize that new challenges await. I try to remind myself that next summer already, they both will be running, molding playdoh, making sandcastles, stacking blocks, stirring batter, essentially doing more and more of the same things.
But having said all that, I have a friend who has 3 sons, all 8 years apart. She swears it’s the best family to have. I think whatever family we make (or we’re given), it’ll be great sometimes and hard other times. But mostly great!
Hi Ann,
I’m glad to know that “at the other end” women still want to have “another”. I’m in my 4th month pregnant and I’m very excited to have “a” baby. But I can’t imagine going through these last 3 mos. again. I think I’m probably quite whimpy considering I know my morning sickness wasn’t nearly as bad as other women I’ve known. So, maybe that’s God’s way of saying, “hold on sister, one at a time!” (unless your having twins or +). Ideally, I’ve always wanted 4 kids but at this stage it’s hard to imagine that. I hope I desire another child after this one is born.
For what it’s worth, my brother and I are 5 years apart and him and my sister are 2-ish years apart. We all had a different way of relating to each other and ways of being close, depending on the age. But, never-the-less, we all fought. I’m not sure there is a “magic” number.
P.S. I just saw one of your “chat” postings on BabyFit this afternoon! That was exciting-someone I know! It was posted when Lucy was 11 weeks (in the “oven”) and you were wondering about sleeping on your back. :)
Ho, ho, ho…
It’s funny to read this now of all days. I was just wondering the same question myself. :-)
I swore up and down to everyone I knew that I was only having one child. Kaia would be it. I didn’t like being preggo, I hated the baby blues, and was definitely not cut out to be a mommy.
When Kaia was 9 mos old, even with my postpartum depression, I wanted another. I also had the wisdom to know that I was not ready and that I needed to wait. So we started trying right around her 2nd birthday. And she is just a few months shy of being 3 years older than her little brother.
Yes, I was harassed by everyone that I had told there was never going to be number 2. I still don’t think they believe me when I say, that 2 is all we can manage.
Oh Ann,
I’ve been up and down the same ladder. I missed pregnancy like crazy (and you might think I’m crazy!) for the first 9 months of Mirai’s life. And then I realized how good it is to sleep through the night and have her naptimes mean my free times. Now that she is almost 20 months old, I’m craving another one some days, but aware that it’s so much more than I would bargain for. My challenge is just to enjoy each day that I have with her – there will be days in the future when she has to share my attention with others!
i keep telling my husband that i’m not having another baby. i’m approaching middle age faster than i’d like, and being prego at 32 was hard, so i just can’t imagine being prego in my late 30s.
if i were to have another child, i would hope to wait until cadence was at least 5 years old. i think by then cadence will be old enough to not need as much of our attention, and she may actually be helpful with the baby instead of resenting it or being traumatized by the experience because she is emotionally too immature to understand the concept of sharing her mommy and daddy. i think other kids would be fine getting a sibling at a much younger age, but i don’t count cadence as one of those kids. she hath not such a generous temperament when it comes to mommy and daddy’s love, and i don’t want to force her to learn before she’s a bit more mature.
ted had 4 siblings growing up, so he can’t imagine cadence growing up an only child. there seems to be a stigma associated w/ families who choose to have only one child, but i’ve been reading studies that show that there are some advantages to having just one child. some people choose to have only one child for environmental reasons. i dunno. sometimes i want another little one. lord knows i miss that itty bitty baby stage. but there’s lots to consider, and i don’t want to have another baby just because of that’s what’s expected of me.
I would agree with what many have already said – there’s no such things as the “right” amount to space your children. We had planned to wait until Benjamin was 1 to start trying for #2, so that they would be about 2 years apart. Well, that didn’t work so well – Benjamin just turned 16 months and I’m due any day now with his baby sister! Having them so close has given me the opportunity to talk to other mothers with babies very close in age and I’ve heard a lot of good things about it – they are close enough that they will play together a lot and can be “friends”. Plus, Benjamin really isn’t quite old enough to be super jealous of the new baby when she arrives. On the other hand – I will certainly have my hands full with two at such demanding ages!
I’m really curious to see what we decide about when to have baby #3 (we want 3 or 4). I would still like to wait until this one is at least 1 to start trying just so that I can nurse for 1 year. With Benjamin, I had to wean him at 9 months of age and switch to formula because I had no more milk due to being pregnant. Other than that, if this spacing goes well, I see no reason to space the next one much further – especially if we decide to only have 3 – I don’t think it would be very fair to #3 to have the first two so close in age and then wait a really long time before having the third.
my first two were 2 yrs apart – when I got pregnant again with a was-to-be nearly four year gap, I worried about it, because we only wanted three kids. But luckily (can I say that word on this blog?) God gave us twins with their built-in age gap of two minutes! :o) God is sovereign over all. He can do amazing things for and through a family through any kids, any spacing, and any “surprises” along the way.
But I must say, I like close spacing. It’s enough to tear your hair out the early years, but they’ll have more common interests/abilities, they’ll be best friends or worst enemies (it usually alternates!) and as a bonus you can hand clothes straight from one child to another :o)
We too are blessed with a natural age gap…our twins are a minute apart and although very different in personality they are best friends. God new that twins first would be good for me….I honestly dont know how mom’s of singletons stay sane those first years with life being immersed with baby. Joseph and Alex were always there to entertain each other….and I love the baby stage….but has been harder for me to do imaginative play…with Charles.
Charles is four years younger than the twins. We did want to wait for awhile because I did not want to be running after three or more little people. Twins run in my family and each time I got pregnant….there was always a high chance of having twins again.
Naomi is five years younger than Charles and although Noami was not a surprise we did not say lets have a baby right now and I am not sure we would have had her if we had “waited” longer. Yet I am so thankful we have been blessed by her. My pregancy was hard and I am not sure if it was the heat, my age or the fact that I was having a girl. After the morning sickness was gone it was probably my healthiest pregnancy…i walked alot and rested alot and I am sure that is because I had two 8 year olds who were great at entertaining a little brother for even 45 minutes so that I coul lay down.
I know we cant choose the gender of our baby but I am thankful that we had a girl because a five year gap with charles woud have been logistical difficult….he is so close to alex and joseph sometimes we joke that I had tripplets with one coming four years late. They even have there own “boy band” cant wait til they hit the gargae! So we could not think of seperating them….but I aways wondered how a little boy would fit into that picture….Naomi is definately the rough and tumble princess.
I go back and fourth about having Naomi at 39…..sometimes I think about all the years that are between us…and will I be able to understand her when she is 30….but then I know that she will keep us young. And I cherish all of her little firsts as if she was our first again.
I have to say I feel very blessed with the family I have been given. I honestly cant imagine another baby now. Our life is pretty full. But i still love to oooh and ahh over little ones so fresh from the womb….
Just one more thing for what is worth…. a friend of mine continues to tell me that God made each of my children and that He gave them what they needed be where they placed in the family. That does give me comfort….although in some ways we have four oldest children and we dont want to get too hung up on that anyway.
Ann-
I always enjoy reading your musings. Looks like you hit on a topic that is near and dear to a mother’s heart. Mine included. With Madeleine’s impending 1st birthday fast approaching, I can honestly say I’ve had the same craving. To be even more honest I had it just around the time Maddy was about 5 mo. Everything was going smoothly. She’d been sleeping through the night for a few months. It’s like I felt super empowered. I still do. I know it’s also bibically based. In John 16:17-33 it says, Woman giving birth forgets the anguish once the child is born. Ahh, this is probably one facet among the many that pull at our heart strings for another miracle. I’m still amazed at how little wrinkles in baby knuckles get formed.
I’m with you. Enjoy the Lucy moments and let God’s plan unfold.
Ann-
just after Madelyn was born I had to research one of The Salvation Army’s position Statements…of course they gave the new mom, “Birth control” (actually I pulled it out of the hat)! I will note that the Army is for family planing, against abortion or Abortifacients.
Any who, I was very empowered by an article I read in Christianity Today about a woman who used the pill and then after four years and really thinking about it decieded to leave it up to God and his timing. I just found it interesting her thoughts about BC not being an evil, yet the power you get from trusting God.
Brian and I were leaning that way for quite some time, yet my depression has reared its ugly head and I can’t have the emotional ups and downs right now with that. Which goes to say, I probably am not trusting God fully. Hum. But with much prayer and MANY TEARS I am back on BC. Although if depression had not been such a factor in my life, I would leave it to God’s timing.
To be truthful, I don’t think I would get pregnant right now even without the BC. I really believe that God knows where I am at and what I am dealing with and that he wouldn’t entrust me with another at this point, but it eases Brian’s mind to know that 99.9% sure I won’t be prego.
But you should google birth control and see if you can come across that article, sorry I don’t have it any more and I don’t remember the author or issue.
In our thirteen years of marriage Andy and I have found Couple to Couple League (http://www.ccli.org/) to be very helpful and informative for our family planning. We decided to use NFP because Andy was convinced by the science (ie… it works) and I have learned alot about my own body. We like this approach because although you do allow for God to control when you have children …”you are always open to His work in this area”…as a couple you SHARE the discipline of the woman taking her temperature every morning and abstaining during the fertile time in a woman’s cycle. It is easy to learn and we have found it to be a blessing in our marriage….for a multitude of reasons. I would encourage checking out the website even if this method does not seem to be right for you. The idea waiting for anything in our culture is so foriegn.
Nicole W’s comments about CCL remind me of my surprise at re-reading CS Lewis’ “That Hideous Strength” again as a young mom wrestling with whether or not to have another child. I certainly never picked up on this theme in college… but Lewis has plenty to say about the reasons for our choices in whether or not, and when, to have children. I was shocked, delighted and frustrated by what he had to say, but it did give me a lot of food for thought!
Ann, as you know I planned to have my boys as close as I could healthfully get them… God had other plans. We had our boys WAY too close for what I had intended. Now we are waiting (and getting imaptient!) for our third son to arrive. It is completely up to God, no matter what we plan, or what “controls” we try to put in place. Humbling… oh, yes… very. And though I say this is my last… I am constantly hedging… knowing in my heart that if God wills it, it will be.