Well, I’ve been having a pretty difficult couple of days. Lucy is actually doing great, eating well, sleeping a lot. But I suddenly got a rush of postpartum hormones or something, because I’m crying just about as often as Lucy is eating. <\/p>\n
I always expected that I would have some emotional difficultles sometime in the first few postpartum weeks, especially since I’ve battled anxiety — and won! — in the past. So I’m actually surprised it has taken seven weeks to get to me.<\/p>\n
A couple of days ago, I felt overwhelmed by all of the unpredictability that comes with caring for a newborn. I feel bad complaining (which, ironically, of course adds to my anxiety!) because Lucy is hardly a difficult baby. But she *is* a newborn, and I think all newborns come with the God-given ability to upset all patterns of normal life. I was expecting this, but I wasn’t able to anticipate how much of a challenge this would be. I had high hopes for having a “flexible routine” — which we sort of do — but basically that still means living with a lot of unpredictability.<\/p>\n
For me, anxiety usually is a signal that I am stuffing some emotions somehow. The past couple days, I’ve realized I’ve been stuffing a lot — mostly feelings of frustration with Lucy for not going to sleep when I’d like her to, an (admittedly unrealistic) desire for her to be able to go to sleep by herself, fears about dealing with her “crying it out” when we get to that stage, and generally wanting to be “the kind of mom who…” (fill in the blank) but being afraid I’m not.<\/p>\n
Jon has been really great, talking with me at all hours and supporting me in all sorts of ways. I am so thankful for him. We had a good talk today that helped me to vent some of my feelings and remember that he still loves me even with all of my garbage. (He never seems to forget this; I seem to from time to time.)<\/p>\n
One time I told an “InterVarsity”:http:\/\/www.intervarsity.org\/ colleague about some struggles I was having, and she said the best thing to me: “You don’t scare me.” I often worry about whether people will be scared or horrified if they see my darker, sadder side, so hearing, “You don’t scare me,” was really healing. Jon now says this to me whenever he thinks I need it. :) For instance, it makes me a bit nervous to post about this struggle, but I feel like I owe it to this terrific community to be honest about the tough days as well as the good ones.<\/p>\n
So, I’m working things out. I have an appointment with my counselor in about a week, I have lots of friends to talk to, a great husband, and I’m just going to take it easy.<\/p>\n
In closing, here are some top things that I help me when I’m anxious:<\/p>\n
* listening to books on CD (especially at night, if I’m having trouble falling asleep)
\n* setting up the futon in the living room like a bed and lounging around on it
\n* eating a milkshake when I don’t have much appetite
\n(by the way, I’m taking a break from Weight Watchers since my deal these days is not eating too much, but having *any* appetite)
\n* calling friends for help, even when I feel shy about it
\n* going to talk with my counselor, who always reminds me I’m sane
\n* brainstorming with Jon about ways to improve things around here<\/p>\n
That’s that! I’ll keep you posted, and you could pray for me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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