<\/p>\nI was up half the night worrying over one of my favorite topics: that Lucy will inherit the insomnia that has plagued both my mother and me. Lucy slept peacefully all night. Isn’t that ironic? <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
My mom was always up in the middle of the night ever since I can remember. Once she woke the whole house up laughing at Monty Python’s _The Meaning of Life_. Routinely, she would bake midnight cookies for me to bring to the teachers at my elementary school. Sometimes she would play the piano, which irritated me — I just wanted some peace and quiet!<\/p>\n
p{color:gray}. Photo: Lucy loves to bite my chin. Is this normal? Should we be concerned?<\/p>\n
I always just thought Mom had a thing for not-sleeping. Later, I realized that insomnia would afflict anyone with long-term anxiety problems whose husband dies suddenly and who didn’t have a lot of emotional support.<\/p>\n
I, on the other hand, was always a fabulous sleeper. I could sleep just about anywhere — in the car, at church, at the breakfast table, even in the Sistine Chapel (seriously). Can you say “escape mechanism”? I loved sleeping. It was one of my favorite things to do growing up. When I was asleep, I was in charge.<\/p>\n
One night, after I had graduated from college, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned until I finally fell asleep at 6 am. It really freaked me out. What was I supposed to do? Bake cookies? Watch Monty Python movies? How did normal people fall asleep, and why was I having trouble all of a sudden?<\/p>\n
This marked a new stage in my journey of processing unfelt grief from my Dad’s death (when I was 10), sorting out new patterns of how to express anger, and drawing healthy boundaries in my relationships. Marrying Jon was one of the best things I ever did, as I finally felt safe enough in a relationship to sort out a lot of family garbage. It wasn’t pretty, but Jon of course has stuck with me and sorted through all the rotten eggs and moldy cheese. We’ve even found a few nice things in the trash that we were able to dust off and look at. <\/p>\n
But, as it turns out, pretty much every time I encounter a new opportunity for growth, I have a hard time falling asleep. My therapist says this is healthy — it means that my system won’t let me just ignore things, that I actually have to get to the bottom of them. I am glad about this in theory, but it sure doesn’t help when I’m still awake at 3:30 am. <\/p>\n
I’m still not exactly sure what has been troubling me so much these past couple of days. I think it has something to do with a wacky conversation I had with my Mom the other day about (guess what?) her sleep. Plus, my intense longing for Lucy to grow up without catching the crazies from me. This turns into quite a vicious circle, as the more I want Lucy to not feel anxious about anything (especially sleep!), the more I’m sure she’s going to sense that anxiety from me.<\/p>\n
Thankfully, I have an appointment scheduled with The Amazing Christopher Miller. I feel pretty lucky to have a lot of resources on hand to figure this stuff out and a really supportive husband and good friends all around. And in my better moments, I’m thankful to have a chance to sort things out so that, whether Lucy ends up struggling with insomnia when she is 32 or not, she’ll at least have watched me try my darnedest to work through it too and have a few ideas up her sleeve (not just half-eaten broccoli).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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