Comments on: Getting the mad out

By: kriss

kriss — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 19:51:33 +0000

I LOVE this! It’s such a great story, Ann. Good for you and for Lulu. I think you’ve both got gobs of emotional intelligence.

By: keri m.

keri m. — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 18:54:11 +0000

Ann, because I’ve heard you speak so highly of the How To Talk book, I checked it out from the library. Well, it’s waiting for me to finish a couple of other books before I can get to it. But the other night, while I was reading the girls their bedtime books, I looked over to see Abi sitting on my bed reading the How To Talk book herself! Maybe soon she’ll say, “Mom, I see you really want me to get my pajamas on. You really want that. Tell me more.” :)

By: Ann Boyd

Ann Boyd — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 21:58:27 +0000

Kindra, I absolutely love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It is my very favorite parenting book — and it is next on my list of book reviews for this blog!

Nicole and Jolinta, I agree with the self-directed time-out thing. I do this sometimes with Lucy, and it ocassionally helps, but most of the time she seems to want help working through her emotions, like a sounding board. I think I might have an extrovert on my hands. :)

By: Jolinta

Jolinta — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 21:33:45 +0000

It’s interesting to hear your strategies. Abby doesn’t get mad – she gets sad. Which might just be a different means of expressing the same feeling that Lucy gets of being overwhelmed by her emotions. I think a very common problem with girls/women in general. We send Abby to her room to control her emotions and calm down. We also talk about coming back with a good attitude and ready to talk. I definitely agree that the separation from the situation helps everyone to keep our cool. What helps me persevere is that I know that dealing with her emotions appropriately now will, Lord willing, save us a bigger problem later when she’s older.

Dealing with this emotional self control issue with Abby has motivated me to start talking about the fruits of the Spirit from Galatians 5. In the near future I’m going to hang them on our wall so she can have a tangible, visual reminder.

By: Kindra

Kindra — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 21:21:40 +0000

Ann — have you heard of the book called “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk”? It’s similar to what you’re talking about and I think it might reinforce some of the things you’re trying to do with Lucy.

You are a lot more empathetic than me! I have a zero tolerance with temper tantrums and as soon as my kids throw one, the automatically don’t get what they want. I tell them in a loving way that that is not how you get what you want and that I understand that they want XYZ, but this is not how you get it. I really love your floor-empathy idea — I am going to have to try that myself!

By: Nicole

Nicole — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 18:21:14 +0000

What a good idea, Ann. I think 3 can be a very challenging age – they are old enough to not be easily distracted from the thing they want (thus the fit throwing that can go on and on), but not yet old enough to put their emotions into words (we rarely experience these kind of fits with Benjamin anymore, who is 4 1/2). One technique we regularly employ is a self-directed time out. Basically if either of the older children is completely out of control, throwing a fit, we calmly take them to their bedroom and tell them to stay in there until they are ready to be calm again. We don’t force them to stay there or set any sort of time limit, we are just offering them a safe place to vent (safe for them and safe for the other kids who often end up getting hit or kicked if they come too close to the one throwing a fit). After a few minutes they’ll inevitably come back downstairs calmer, ready to talk through what’s going on. I’ve often heard Benjamin in his room kicking the wall or door – I guess that’s his way of “getting the mad out”. Ella prefers just crying and a bit of screaming.

Sometimes they have to journey to their room more than once before they are ready to talk about what’s going on, but it usually works pretty well. It’s helpful for me too, because I’m much more able to keep a handle on my emotions when I’m not in the same room as the one throwing the fit.